My need. His supply.

I've been feeling snowed under lately. It's difficult to draw near to God when you don't know your own heart. I've been looking for some times of solitude to be still, open my heart before God and allow him to search and know me. Sunday evening was one of those times. I was flipping back and forth from Psalm 91 and Psalm 139. Both deeply meaningful psalms that have to do with warfare, oppression and God's intimate knowing of us. I've felt under attack and there have been places I've been afraid to let my mind go. 

As I meditated on these passages I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down verse eleven of psalm 139 at the top:' “If I say “Surely the darkness will cover me and the light about me be night.” Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.' Below this I wrote a column for fears/hurts/blocks to intimacy. I then listed the places that are scary for me to go. The fears and hurts that I don't know what to do with and I don't like to approach or look at or talk about or poke at. With these before me I again read Psalm 91 and 139 allowing God's truth, light and comfort to speak into my fears. 

I was reminded that this is familiar and comfortable ground for God. What is dark and scary and threatening to me is not so with God. The darkness is as light to Him. He lovingly fashioned my days and tenderly put together my life. It is in the environment of these fears, hurts, circumstances, that God desires me to flourish. He's made a way for me to flourish but I can't find it without His help. In John 6 Jesus describes himself as the living bread that we feed on to find life. This is the kind of self-counseling I need God to apply to my heart by His Spirit and through His word over and over, day by day. This is one nibble of truth applied to my story. I hope that God ministers to you also with His life and light in your times of need. (And when He does, I'd LOVE to hear about it! )

Word Portraits

Yesterday I was reading and journaling during nap time. At 2:30 Tazara grumpily staggered out, climbed onto my lap and then resumed her rest. Watching her sleeping my thoughts and journaling turned from Dallas Willard to Tazara Dawn:

"...Thank you for Tazara, for her joy, her unashamed confidence and sociability. She steals hearts by reflecting her kind intentions unto others and assuming their favor. She marches unawares into situations. Randomly following whatever notion her fancy takes without fear of danger or consequence.
She's affectionate and forgiving, pouring her love freely on those closely knit within her world. Her two and half year old heart and mind has her wanting to do it herself and stubbornly insisting on her own way. She's happy to try something new and she lets her voice be heard if she's not happy. She's got her share of emotion and can use her pout to manipulate if we're not careful. Abba, help us train this child and love her and keep her body, mind and soul safe. Help us feed her truth day by day in bite-size pieces and weed out lies that hurt and confuse her. May she dwell in the dawning light of your glorious presence  and love her place there in your delight. Give her courage and strength and grace to seek you first and find you in every decision, transition, and circumstance. Make her as keen for Your table as she is to empty her plate. Give her spiritual eyes as bright and beautiful as the sparkling blue ones she sees the world through. May she see and know You in her life. Give her ears to hear and a heart to know and love You. Give her a tender, soft and contrite heart. Resilient in life's struggles and protected by Your capably loving care.

Zeke, decisive and determined.  You're eager to please the ones you respect. Cunning and wise - calculating your moves, discerning what can be gotten away with and only pulling stunts when a back is turned. Your tender heart/ego is guarded relentlessly by your anger. Tazara hasn't succeeded in chasing away all of your perfectionism - you don't like trying what you can't master. You're cautious in all the right situations (new sports, new people, new food..) but reckless on occasion too. You love praise but you don't lose your cool/composure.  Animals captivate you. You enthusiastically share your world as you're thrilled by sights, sounds, discoveries and accomplishments. You know what you want and won't take second best. You're passionate about the foods you like when you like them and will patiently bypass a meal that doesn't please you. You listen well and are attentive. You can hide emotions until you don't. Abba, I love this boy to pieces. Grow and nurture his masculine heart after your own. Don't let it go unseen. His questions often astound me. Make him strong in all the right ways - full of love, wisdom and courage. Wise to what is good, innocent to what is evil. Protect and guard him. May he depend on you all the days of his life and never be let down. Teach him honesty and help him use his anger for good - to defend your name, not his own.

Tapestry

10:30pm I'm lying on the bed listening to Andrew (across the room) Skyping with a pastor from Arusha, Tanzania. With time zone differences and different schedules it's taken weeks and months for them to connect face to face over internet. It sounds like a good conversation... I can hear excitement and passion for similar visions from both sides of the screen. Is this the position we've been waiting for Abba? It's smack dab in the heartland of Andrew's boyhood dreams and later working reality. My twelve year old sponsorship. And Andrew's and my first trip together to visit Elizabeth seven years later. I can't help being excited when I see God at work. We've been praying and waiting and watching and studying, wondering where it would all lead. Many times we've been in the dark or doubted about specifics though buoyed by numerous confirmations all along the way.

At the Wycliffe Christmas dinner I heard story after story of people who got to the field years or decades after they had joined the organization or planned on going. I've wondered at God's timeline and if counseling missionaries overseas would be put on the shelf while we raise young kids and have work to do here. A part of me would be relieved and happy to settle and invest here where we are. I've grown to love New Zealand and so many people here. We've just bought a beautiful home in Hamilton. Ultimately though, my heart yearns for God's best. I don't want to chase adventure, nor do I want to grow “at ease in Zion” forgetting that the picture is bigger than my life today or raising children or counseling. God is at work reconciling individuals, families, communities, churches, nations, countries and the world to Himself. God's flooded my life with blessings but they are all from Him and for Him and leading to Him. He's been tender with me in step by step getting me ready for every new journey and transition. I see him getting Zeke and Tazara ready too. The same God who holds my hand and prepares the way before me will take my children by the hand and equip them for the journey. I feel first kicks and I pray for the babe growing inside me wondering what his or her life will hold. I'm glad God's brought us to this one bedroom unit in the backyard of “Nana and Granddad”. He knows best how to situate us in a place to rest, grow as a family and seek His heart for the way ahead. So glad you see the whole picture Abba! Thy will be done today and tomorrow and next week, month, year...