Mary Poppins- "Practically perfect in every way"?

Mary Poppins- "Practically perfect in every way"?

Over the holidays Mary Poppins did a lot of preaching to us. We borrowed a bunch of good movies from a friend. One of which was Mary Poppins! I watched portions of it with the kids probably 10-12 times. After hearing the songs over and over I got to thinking about the meaning and messages in this movie.

The husband is the controlling domineering man "I'm the ruler of my house.." The woman is outwardly the sweet supportive accommodating wife "Yes dear. Of course dear. Oh you're so right Goerge." While on the inside hoping to break free advocating "votes for woman!..." Mary Poppins comes in as a radical woman of sweetness and light. She obeys no one and changes the world making it a brighter, magical and more pleasant place to be. Bert is the domesticated man hanging on Mary Poppins every word. Mary Poppins is a well balanced healthy woman. The household is dumbfounded and mesmerized by this spectacular woman.

The sales pitch is that if woman were top dog the world would be a more beautiful and happier place. Only now years down the track with woman voting and leading in all spheres the world hasn't really become a brighter more beautiful and happier place. The problem is woman have sin too and their sin only screams louder when they take the lead.

Many woman (men as well) have deep wounds because certain men in their lives have abused power or used authority wrongly.

Some woman are stuck leading when what they really long for is to be led by a good man who will care for and protect them.

I'm glad that woman are allowed to vote and that most of western society has adopted the biblical beliefs of a woman's value (Col 3:11).

However, sometimes I wonder if we haven't reversed the problem. I see domineering controlling woman demanding their rights and I wonder "where have all the good men gone?" Have we destroyed manhood by saying we don't need or want it? When manhood dies then the feminine and beautiful dies too.

This world craves and needs the beauty of true woman, the courage and grace and freedom and life. Not the seduction or deceit and bitterness. I don't think we even know what beauty is anymore. Paint scribbles are published as paintings and woman in rags are considered beautiful. It's not beauty, it's poverty. Immodesty driven not by lack of money but poverty of soul and vision, not knowing who we are as image bearers of the Almighty.

Abba, please teach us what it means to be a woman and a man as you perfectly and beautifully designed us to be. We are endowed with honor and dignity because we are made in your image!

Homesick

Abba, The promises you give to Abraham and to the Prophets in the Old Testament are glorious! But when the Israelites enter the promise land it doesn't seem to measure up - there's still oppression and sickness and pain and disease. They wait for Christ whom they thought would be a conquering King. He came and went. In many ways His coming far exceeded there greatest hopes and imaginations and yet here we are - we still wait.
When are you coming back? When are You making all things new? When will the groaning stop? You declared it finished at the cross but please tell me there's more to come. Don't leave us struggling in sin and sickness. You say you are with us always and I know You are with me and sustaining me but I live in a world that is not run as Your kingdom should be run. I live in a graveyard; a dump of our own making. We can't do anything about it - only You can. Only in Your strength. Only by Your grace. Go all out. Let Your mercies overflow. I don't just want a miracle. I don't just want an answered prayer. I want You in all Your love and glory. And because of Christ I won't be destroyed.
Would you light a revival in Manurewa to bring sinners into your fold. Work in the police department...Work powerfully on earth to save sinners by your blood so that You might come back and take us home to Yourself. I'm homesick Yahweh. I don't know what home is like. I don't know when You will come but I know my home is in You. I will be restless until I'm in Your house. While I'm on earth let my heart abide in You.

"What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, 

nor the heart of man imagined, 

what God has prepared for those who love him"-

these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything even the depths of God. 1 Corinthians 2:9-10

Blessings so Abundant!

I'm thankful for so many things. I love the relationships that fill my life. I love the fellowship I'm getting to partake of week to week through phone, email and face-to-face. I love the opportunities to grow in ministry and prayer. I love my schedule with park, pool and library with the kids. I love the things I'm learning through studies at Grace College and the people praying for me. I love God's Word, my journal, worship and times of prayer. I love that God's looking in on Andrew's and my prayer journal and answering them in the best way for us and Him. I love how God's crafting our family. I love watching Him do His work. Watching the kids temperaments and personalities unfold. Seeing Andrew rise to the occasion and grow in the manhood God's called him to. I love walking into the footsteps God's placed before me and seeing where they lead. There are many dismal days, patience often flees the scene when Zeke and Tazara make mountains out of mole hills...but God still sits enthroned and He welcomes me to join Him in His glory. Thank you Abba!

Sunday Afternoon...Reflection time:

I think this is the most troubling time of year for me. Summers escaping but there's no Thanksgiving or Christmas within sight to get excited about. The days are short but the afternoons alone seem exceedingly long. My heart goes through a sort of jet lag each year as I try and make sense of the climate and month and country I'm living in.

Andrew and Tazara came down with colds this weekend I think because of the rather drastic hot to cold the rain brought on. I took Tazara out yesterday for an hour bike ride just before tea/dinner. It was delightful. I love singing and praying and fellowshipping with the King in the open air. There's so much to pray about. So much to learn about how to parent and be married and live life and glorify our creator. It's both exciting and daunting. Study and parenting and life can very quickly get me overwhelmed...when I'm talking to God about it I'm overcome by a peaceful and delightful feeling of His favor and nearness. I love it!

This week I got to see a beautiful full rainbow! It stretched brightly over our house, the college, the church and Andrew's office. I had to stay out in the rain just to enjoy it and glory in the wonder of God's promises to us. I happened to be studying Noah this week and both the judgement and grace of God shown through this magnificent story. This morning at Church preaching in Samuel 5 Peter said "When God raises his sword it is both for judgement and salvation!" He then showed how this is ultimately seen in the cross.

Here's a Psalm I've been feeding off lately:

PSALM 84
How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of hosts!
My soul longs, yes, faints
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and flesh sing for joy
to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may lay her young,
at your altars, O Lord of hosts,
my King and my God.
Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
As they go through the Valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.
O Lord of hosts, hear my prayer;
give ear, O God of Jacob!
Behold our shield, O God;
look on the face of your anointed!
For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favour and honour.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
blessed is the one who trust in you!

Eden as Judge, Jury and Executioner

"Judge not that ye be not judged. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you." Matt7:1-2

This verse serves as a sobering warning. I have often evaluated myself, others, and especially Andrew, in the following way. I look at them or something they're doing/have done and I think "Is this good or is this bad?" And then my thoughts either praise or condemn them accordingly. Recently my thinking pattern has changed to "This person is a sinner. This person is God's son/daughter. Is there grace enough to cover this sin/annoyance/offense?" Usually I laugh to myself as I say yes because the matter is so small and insignificant. Other times the answer is no in which case I need to ask God for the grace and probably talk to the person.

This might seem like a minor change in thought process but it's deeply rooted and has/is making a big difference for me. I feel a lot more free with greater peace and contentment. I'm less affected by the good and bad of those around me. I am more focused on the Cross and how myself and others are covered in the blood of the Lamb.

I find quite a lot of my thought patterns, feelings, and reactions, become diseased without me being aware of how off base they are. Once I see it I can repent and ask God to train me in the right way to respond, think, feel. Studying God's Word at Grace Theological College has been really good for helping me see how my own sin is contributing to the pains and hurts I struggle with.

I Corinthians 10:13 is so encouraging: "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide a way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it (some translations say 'so that you will be trained by it'."

For me this battle with being judgmental has been slow going and frustrating but I'm so excited that God is faithful to point out my pride and show me the way of humility. This sin doesn't have a hold on me like it used to!

Thank you God for healing and making new and allowing us to change by your power and goodness! Help us to love you with our thoughts, words and actions.

Another thing about people with judgmental tendencies - we often set a high standard for ourself and are either self-righteously happy/proud because we (think we) live up to this standard or we are distraught that we've failed. Either way we're looking to our own effort and works to save us rather than Christ's righteousness which has covered both the good and the bad.

In Christ Alone.
Eden :)

A Quiet Heart

This morning Heidi and I were talking over Voxer. She shared an insight about how we tend to seek out the highs of life even from one cup of coffee(or tea) to the next. We got talking about ambitions and how we can seek to do great things but perhaps the hardest is when we're just plodding along doing daily "insignificant" life as unto the Lord. I've really grown to respect the woman/men in my life who don't have ambitious dreams to change the world, they fly(walk) under the radar as they faithfully and joyfully live in quietness and contentment from day to day. It reminds me of Mama's favorite hymn which she wrote as a prayer in the prayer books she made for each one of us.

Father, I know that all my life
Is portioned out for me,
The changes that are sure to come,
I do not fear to see;
I ask Thee for a present mind
Intent on pleasing Thee.

I would not have a restless will
That hurries to and fro,
Seeking for some great thing to do,
Or secret thing to know;
I would be treated as a child,
And guided where I go.

I ask Thee for the daily strength,
To none that ask denied,
A mind to blend with outward life
While keeping at Thy side;
Content to fill a little space,
If Thou be glorified.

In service which Thy will appoints,
There are no bonds for me;
My secret heart is taught the truth
That makes Thy children free;
A life of self-renouncing love,
Is one of liberty.
(hymn by Anna Laetitia Waring)

New Year's prayer.

Mama and I have started a tradition in the last few years of exchanging and talking over New Year's resolutions together around the start of a new calender. This year I'm off to a good start. Before the first days of 2014 I wrote out for myself a "to do" list, a prayer, a schedule and some goals. I know goals and schedules and inspirational planning doesn't do it for some people but for me they really get me excited and motivated. Also, I like to go back and see areas God's worked, I've grown or things that have gotten worse and I need to pray about and work towards.

Here's a prayer for the New Year. I wrote it back at the beginning of December during a low patch. It's become really meaningful as I see God working in specific areas of my life and changing me for His glory. It's rather personal but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one out there that's a sinner so I thought some others might relate and be able to benefit. I can't think of anything that thrills me more than having heart to hearts with friends and family and sharing ways we're growing and things God is teaching us. I would so love to hear from you and learn what's on your heart this year and meaningful insights God's been sharing with you. For now, Here tis:

 Abba, What would it mean for me to not judge? I'd have to be secure in you. I'd have to know my beauty in you. I'd have to know my place in you. I'd have to know I'm held and loved by you. I'd have to not fear all that is frightening. Let it be God. Grow bigger before my eyes. Replace my pride with humility. Replace my fear with perfect peace and contentment. Bathe me in your love and delight and beauty and holiness. Quickly God I need these changes. My sin is ugly and devastating; it erodes all that is good. Come quickly God and save me. Make me after thyself. This year God change me. I'm scared of so many things. I'm hurt by so many things. I avoid so many things. You are mighty and powerful and beautiful and holy, you are in me so I need not be afraid or insecure or threatened. Make me a fruitful deeply planted/grounded tree by the river of your house - soaking up all that is good. Left to myself I push away and destroy everything good you've given me. Please take me deeply into your heart where I can grow and flourish and be free and alive. Yes God do it. A new year is approaching - this is my wish and desire. Thank you Abba. Thank you so much!

Who Will Defend You?

The book of Job has perplexed me. God seems cruel to allow a man to suffer so much. When I was assigned 30 minutes of teaching this past term I took the opportunity to put some time into reflecting on and praying about this puzzling book. I'm so thankful for the truths and insights God reveals to us through these passages. I am more in love with Christ our Advocate as a result. I've compiled my findings below.

Who Will Defend You? 

(pondering the book of Job)

When I was little, my sister Heidi and I did everything together. She wasn't much older than me but she was much more tough and brave. I had great confidence in her and held her in highest esteem. Places I would be terrified to go alone I'd feel safe with her. Walking down an alley once I questioned “what if someone came to kidnap us.” She stood tall and said “I'd just kick 'em with my shoe.” I resumed our peaceful stroll feeling perfectly safe and content. Heidi is a great communicator. When I'd been turned down over a request to watch a movie or get out of a household chore Heidi would appeal and, more often then not, she would have my parents convinced that her idea was brilliant. In the book of Job he is accused by Satan. All of his speeches about his righteousness fall to the wind. He needs an advocate and a defender. Human wisdom fails him. His own righteousness fails him? Before all is lost, God takes up his defense. God doesn't defend Job on the basis of Job's uprightness but on the solid ground of His own.

The book of Job opens describing the life of this righteous man. In those days righteousness was thought to be synonymous with obtaining blessing and prosperity. We're not sure the exact time Job lived or when the book was written, but it is predicted that Job lived around the time of Abraham. In the Canon the book of Job is placed after the Law and first among the books of wisdom and poetry.

In the Old Testament God lays out the laws to be obeyed and declares the blessing following and the curses that go along with disobedience. Common wisdom is understanding what is right and therefore brings blessing while foolishness leads to harm. The book of Proverbs spells out much of this cause and effect, paralleling the consequences of foolish living with the beauty and rest of wisdom. The book of Job however shows up the loop holes in this kind of wisdom in a fallen world. According to Proverbs Job's righteous living should secure him with a problem free life. As we read on we find Job's life soon becomes far from carefree.

After a short description of this righteous man “Job” we are hoisted up to peek in on the assembling of the sons of God in the heavenlies. Satan is also there to report. God is bragging on his servant Job and Satan starts accusing “Does Job fear God for no reason?” Thus God and Satan enter into a debate that acts out in the life of Job. God puts limits on Satan and allows him to do away with virtually all of Job's material and relational blessings.

The people of the day didn't get in on this exchange between God and Satan. They see a well renowned man of honor crumpling to the floor. In one day Job loses all of his 10 children, all his flocks and herds as well as most of his servants. His wealth and his family are whammered away in a moment. If this isn't awful enough, next his very body is covered in dreadful sores. Three of Job's friends come to grieve with him, but rather than comfort they bring him more sorrow and opposition.

Job's friends find him sitting in the dust with a potsherd to scrape the sores on his body. Job and his friends wrestle like many of us wrestle in the face of adversity. They seek to interpret and make sense of the story unfolding before them. We see Job and his friends grappling with questions like: Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? If Job is upright why did God allow this calamity? Why me? What have I done to deserve this? Where is God in all of this?

We hate to be in a place where we don't know or understand what is going on. We often jump to conclusions and judgments to make sense of the misfortune of others. If we can explain it away we are less likely to run into it ourselves. We feel more comfortable with what we can understand and control. Job's friends arrived at the conclusion that surely Job must have sinned in some way to bring upon himself this awful calamity? Eliphaz spoke up declaring the verdict “You must be in the wrong because the innocent prosper.” Bildad chimes in “Repent and God will bless you for God punishes the wicked.” Zophar spoke up like a good Calvinist “You deserve worse than what you're getting.” Job's friends were emptyhanded. Their wisdom didn't have room for a good man suffering. They only had more condemnation. To settle their own hearts they condemned Job.

In Chapter 32, a young man Elihu shows himself. He's been listening and keeping quiet to hear the wisdom of the old guys but after hearing them go on and on with empty words he feels compelled to speak. He rebukes Job for defending himself on the grounds of his own merit. Elihu declares that a mediator is needed, a ransom is needed to plead before God. The Mediator is needed in order that God might accept us and be merciful to deliver. Lets read a portion of Elihu's words from Chapter 33:23-33.

“If there is a messenger for him. A mediator, one among a thousand, to show man [God's] uprightness, then God is gracious to him and says 'Deliver him from going down to the pit; I have found a ransom....(v26b) For He restores to man [God's] righteousness...(v29) Behold, God works all these things , twice in fact, three times with a man. To bring back his soul from the Pit, that he may be enlightened with the light of life.”

I believe this is a beautiful and outstanding passage in the book of Job. Elihu's ear is inclined towards wisdom. He knows that a Savior is needed for Job. He recognizes that he himself is made of clay (33v6).

It is at this point that God enters the conversation. Like a symphony rising with tension, Elihu sets the stage for God declaring His glory and God takes it up from there. God's majesty silences. It seems ironic how little man knows, understands, or controls and yet we make great claims of wisdom, understanding, and judgment. God's anger is aroused. Starting with the foundations of the earth and various creatures God questions Job on his knowledge, wisdom and power compared to the Almighty One. At last He paints a picture of the most powerful of creatures; Leviathan. Some think that Leviathan is a crocodile or a dragon of the sea. According to eastern tradition Leviathan is an enemy of the light. This word is also used figuratively for a cruel enemy. There are a lot of parallels in the description of Leviathan and descriptions of God's chief opponent Satan. Here in Job it is said of Leviathan that there is nothing like him on earth made without fear (41v33). In the garden of Eden, Satan is described as the most cunning of all the creatures God had made. Leviathan is described as King over all the sons of pride (41v34). In the leading verses of Job 41 God asks of Job “Will Leviathan make a covenant with you?.. Can you defeat him?” It's as if God is saying to Job: "Satan is your enemy. Choose whose side you want to be on. You cannot stand up to him. You can't appease or make it right." "Any hope of overcoming him is false." (41v9)

Like the Jews in the day of King Ahasuerus who were powerless to undo his verdict, they needed an advocate and God raised up Esther. Similarly, at Sinai the Israelites stood terrified at the foot of the mountain - afraid to approach the King of Kings but God had raised up Moses to speak to Him on their behalf. In the face of Goliath's threats, the Israelites were shaking in their boots until God brought in David to fight on their behalf. In the face of Job's adversity he needs an advocate. Job needs someone to fight his adversary and he needs someone to defend him before God.

Finally Job gives up defending his name, humbles himself, and casts himself on the mercy of God. Job has found that his own righteousness and strength is insufficient to defeat the enemy of his soul. All the good works in the world are not good enough to safe his soul from the accusations of this relentless adversary. On his own he couldn't stand. Job renounces his accusations against God's injustice and throws himself upon God's mercy. Those who oppose God fail but those who humble themselves and join God's side will stand. Leviathan is spoken of a handful of times elsewhere in the bible. I'd like to look at Isaiah 27v1: "In that day the Lord with His severe sword, great and strong, will punish Leviathan that twisted serpent; and He will slay the reptile that is in the sea." Only Christ can stand up to the opponent Satan. Another passage that speaks of this battle and the glorious victory of our Savior is Rev 12v7-12a: 
"And war broke out in the heaven: Michael and his angels fought with the dragon; and the dragon and his angels fought, but they did not prevail, nor was a place found for them in heaven any longer. So the great dragon was cast out, that serpent of old, called the Devil and Satan, who deceives the whole world; he was cast to the earth, and his angels were cast out with him. Then I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, "Now salvation and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ have come, for the accuser of the brethren, who accused them before our God day and night, has been cast down. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death. Therefore rejoice, O heavens, and you who dwell in them!"

God silences the enemy and blesses Job - not because of Job's wisdom or righteousness but because of God's own. Job isn't vindicated. God is! Because of God's righteousness and mercy and strength Job is saved!

God rebukes Job's three friends (excluding Elihu) for not speaking right of God as his servant Job has.” Often when I read the words of Job's friends I think “where did they go wrong? Job's friends quote large doses of scripture and yet they arouse God's anger. They knew the scriptures but they missed the Redeemer. They missed the one the scriptures pointed to. They were too much like the Pharisees of whom Christ spoke in John 5:39-40: "You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. But you are not willing to come to me that you may have life."

Can you can identify with Job's friends? Do you have people in your life that are struggling? Like me, do you try and figure out where they've gone wrong and recite verses so they can get it back together? Do you bless them with your magnificent words of wisdom, advice and insight? When you have a friend in trouble do you use scripture to lecture and condemn them? How about when you are downcast or in trouble? Do you lecture and condemn yourself? Or, do you give yourself/your friend Christ? Do you comfort yourself and others with His righteousness and faithfulness and nearness? In the face of trials and suffering (whether your own or someone else's) Christ is our only hope...He's the only one who can bring healing and restoration and save us from this world of sin and despair. He's the only one that can face up to our adversary and defend us before our holy perfect Lord.

Job's friends spoke “wisdom.” Their speeches sound good and right. They spoke of the general cause and effect of human behavior, they even lifted up God's greatness, but it was devoid of relationship with God. It was truth without love and so the truth was foolishness. Jesus is wisdom, truth, all-knowing. We don't have wisdom if we don't have Christ. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Without Christ, wisdom falls short. (Job 28:20-23,28) Job's friends joined Satan in pouring accusations and condemnation on Job. Job couldn't stand up to the accusations and eventually tried to plead his own righteousness. Job knew he needed someone to plead his cause. Three times he cries out for an advocate. (Job 9v14-20, 16v21, 19v25-27) The most glorious of these is in Job 19v25-27: “For I know that my Redeemer lives, and He shall stand at last on the earth; and after my skin is destroyed, this I know, that in my flesh I shall see God...”

He knew God's holiness and God's mercy well enough to know that he needed a ransom to be paid for his deliverance. In the face of His calamities he clung to the hope of His Redeemer.

Job saw God dimly as if behind a veil. Now the curtain has been torn in two. We have the whole Bible. We know that the Advocate and Redeemer that Job cries out for lives. Not only does He live but He came in the flesh and died that we might live with Him. Job is said to be a righteous man. Jesus however is the only One truly righteous. Jesus is the one who bore unjust torment. Jesus is the one whose family and name and body was torn away from Him and broken. Jesus is the only One who could stand before Satan's accusations and yet He took on the curse for us that we might live in His place!

The book of Job could be said in fewer words. The poetry however allows us to enter into the story. We hear Job's angst and we identify with his sorrow and despair. We can see their trains of thoughts as Job's friends grapple with bits of truth trying to make sense of what's going on. Our heart is stirred as Job gives voice to the anguish of his heart and body. An emotion-packed book. Not only do Job and his friends get into a heated argument but God Himself enters the discussion. When God speaks He uses the same passionate tones. He engages with them in their emotional state. God is an emotional God, just as we are emotional beings. We are molded in His image.

In the midst of our struggles and concerns and questions of living in a fallen world we grapple. We don't get all the answers. We don't see all that is going on in the heavenlies. We do however have an Advocate there, someone to plead our cause before the Father. In the midst of our suffering we know that Jesus Christ has given His life for us, He is with us in our struggle and He will take us to Himself. Because He's alive. Because He's not silent on our behalf. We can trust and rest and even rejoice amidst our struggles. God didn't assure Job “Yes, you are good. It wasn't your fault all this bad came upon you." Instead he showed Job Himself and He fought the battle for Job. This is how we receive comfort in our trials. We see Christ and we see that He has already fought the battle for us. Satan's accusations are dead and buried with Christ. We are justified before God. We stand pure and holy before God. We have a new identity. We are known and loved. In the face of trials and temptations and hardships and difficulties we wait on God to restore all things, to make all things new. Job didn't know all would be restored to him. We however know the end of the story. No matter what the sores and ashes we sit in today we know all will be restored. Christ will make all things new.

Like me have you been placing your trust in a false form of safety/security? I naively placed my trust in the strength and bravery of my big sister. My world crashed when I found she was as weak and frail as I am. What do you place your hope in? Is it the faith of your parents? Is it all the good things you've done? Or the evil you haven't done? Is it all the committees you've been on? All the people you've helped?

Sometimes it's the most pure and upright of us that fail to see our need for an advocate. If we don't see our shortcomings and failings, why would we cling to God's mercy? Considering ourselves more holy than the people around us we don't see our need for a Savior. We watch others get burned and we think to ourselves “I'm beyond that.” “Why would I be condemned, I'm rather good compared to _______.”
Do you see your need for an advocate? When Satan's accusations come, how will you defend yourself? (Romans 8v18-27) Is Christ standing before the Father pleading for you with groans that cannot be uttered or are you fighting a losing battle. When I stand before God my sister's good communication or boldness will not keep me standing. My right theology or good parenting will not keep me alive. Only in Christ do we stand secure.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I'm thankful for each of the tender and precious moments hidden within each day.

I'm thankful God's provided an advocate to plead my defense before my King. 

I would have lost heart, 

unless I had believed

that I would see 

the goodness of the Lord 

in the land of the living! 

(Ps 27v13)

I'm thankful for a man that loves and fears the Lord and waits on Him.

I'm thankful for the two precious little people God's entrusted to me. 

Your goodness goes beyond my understanding!!!

Thank you God for Kirstie. For a rekindled friendship with my sister after years apart. Thank you for arranging and working out for her to come here to New Zealand! In the last couple weeks of her being here I've had so many sentimental moments. Not because I don't want to be here or because there's anything sad about Kirstie being here but...When we get each other laughing... joke, sing, tease and have all our crazy banters...I realize some of what I'm missing out on by living so very far away from my family.

Here on earth we get tastes of glory- our hearts are delighted with glimpses of heaven- but mixed in with the pleasure and joy and wonder is grief and pain and hardships of living in a fallen and cursed world. 

Thank you God for the glimpses of your glory! Thank you that one day you will restore all, make all things new. In you is perfect beauty and perfect delight. My soul finds perfect rest! 

I love you Abba! Thank you for loving me SOO SOO much!

My first sermon! :)

I haven't been blogging or cleaning or emailing sisters because my spare moments have been spent working on homework for my Hermeneutics for Preaching/Counseling and Biblical Interpretation course.

Don't worry; I'm not aspiring to be a preacher (neither would I). I would, however, like to teach a bible study at some point so I want to know how to rightly divide the word of God. The course has been absolutely excellent. I've been so inspired and motivated to get into the Bible more and really study the Word given to us by God so that we might know Him!

We just have a couple weeks left before the first term is over and I head off to the States for a wonderful reuniting with the my family!!!

This week I did my first teaching in front of the class. I was doing jumping jacks all day around the house to let off nervous energy. Studying and praying over Jacob's life has been so deeply rich and meaningful for me. I was discouraged before the presentation because I felt I couldn't do GOD'S GREATNESS justice. Looking over my notes I knew there were some really powerful truths but to speak about them in my unpersuasive, boring voice wouldn't be enough. God came through for me and their were a few wet eyes in the room after I finished (including my own). I actually enjoyed teaching on what I love! I didn't even get slaughtered when it came time for the class of six to critique the content of my presentation. Other than a few heretical errors (joking) it was encouraging.

I'm sharing the teaching here hoping you too might be encouraged.
 

Who are you?

I'm entitling my teaching “Who are you?” Think for just a moment about who you are. What defines you? How do people know you? What would your family tell me about you? We live in a culture searching for meaning and significance. People seeking to find out and express who they are. Sometimes we ponder and ask ourselves who am I really? God asked Jacob a question like this one. God changed Jacob's identity from that of a deceiver to the child of the Living God.

Lets start by reading a significant encounter in Jacob's life: Genesis 32:22-30

I've been looking in the second half of Genesis (Ch25-50) at who Jacob was and who God made him to be. Jacob's name means deceiver or heel grasper. He's known by his family as a deceiver. He wriggled his way into getting his brothers birthright over a bowl of soup (Ch25v29-34). He deceives his father Isaac in order to get the blessing (Ch27). To escape his brother, he runs off to his Uncle Laban(Ch28). Laban's son's don't trust him with their father's livestock (Ch31v1). Laban doubts and questions Jacob's dealings (Ch31v2). Jacob gets what he wants through whatever means he can. He looks after himself. Jacob even tries cutting deals with God. God promises blessing for Jacob before he's even born but Jacob goes after it by his own means. Jacob trusts no one. In Bethel, (when Jacob is running from his brother) God speaks to Jacob in a dream and gives him a beautiful and outstanding promise. Essentially Jacob answers back “If you will do this this and this for me then you can be my God and I'll give you some of my stuff and build a house for you. Jacob is bargaining with God. Jacob's name describes him well, he grasps for what he wants and gets it through whatever means. This method seems to be working out alright for him. He's got the blessing. He's accumulated lots of animals and a family.

However, on his return to his home country Jacob is met with a crisis. Esau is coming after him with four hundred men! Jacob is in the middle of a desert with all that he owns. His wives and children are there with him and they're about to be attacked in the wilderness. Jacob divides his family into two camps in a desperate hope that some might escape and live. He sends ahead gifts hoping to calm the wrath of his brother. He's in trouble and he's outnumbered. Jacob's afraid (Ch32v7). What is he to do?? Where can he turn?? He's burnt all his bridges. He's alone and he's vulnerable. Jacob's run out of idea's and he's out of resources. He's terrified. So he cries out to God. (Ch32v9-12).

In the middle of a sleepless night Jacob gets up and sends his family and all his possessions on ahead of him. He helps them cross the stream. Then all alone in the dark he meets with God. Yes God is there. He always has been but Jacob isn't used to receiving anything without a struggle so he spends much of the night wrestling with God. Jacob's spent his life stealing, bargaining, striving and working for what he has. To give up grasping is to go against who he is. If he's not Jacob the deceiver who is he? As the first gleams of daylight appear Jacob is still going strong but God seeks to end the fight. Jacob pleads “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” God asks him: “What is your name?”(Ch32v27) “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed.” And God blesses him there (Ch32v28). In Jacob's last fight he looses his identity and is blessed. Jacob wins because he's finally lost himself. God is calling Jacob his own. He's claiming him. Jacob is no longer identified by his sin, he's no longer son of Satan, the father of lies. (John 8:44) He's now Israel “My first born.” (Ex3v18,4v21ff)

This story is shocking to me?!! Can you believe The God of the Universe is identifying Himself with this scumbag Jacob?!!

Let's take a glance at God's hand in history up to this point. We see clearly that God hates wickedness and loves righteousness. Sin is punished while righteousness is rewarded. It's pretty black and white. When Adam and Eve sin they are punished (Gen3). Cain is cursed for murder (Gen4v11). Noah was 'righteous' and 'blameless' and found favor with God (Gen6v9). God preserves him and his family while punishing wickedness with a flood (Gen6v5-8). Abraham is righteous and blessed. God makes a covenant with him. Isaac is the son of promise and walks in God's ways.

Then you come to Jacob. He's not righteous. He's not even the first born. He's defined by deception. And yet God insists on pursuing and blessing him. This is different. It doesn't seem right. God seems to be confusing things. Shouldn't He have blotted out Jacob and forfeited the blessing the minute he lied to his father? Instead, God goes out of His way to save and bless this guy who continually screws up.

After encountering God Jacob declares “I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.” (Gen32v30)

Why was Jacob's life preserved? Why wasn't Jacob the deceiver punished and cursed for his sin? Because Jesus, God's firstborn paid, wrestled, struggled, died and was cursed. Jacob couldn't receive the blessing under his own name but under Israel (Prince of God, God's son) he received the firstborn blessing in Christ's place! God was willing to come down as man, wrestle and be defeated/die in order that Jacob might live.

This concept was not foreign to Jacob. Earlier in his life, Jacob was blessed by Isaac in the guise of Esau the firstborn. His father poured the whole blessing on Jacob while he wore the clothes of Esau.

Now, God pours the full blessing upon Jacob - knowing full well who he is but choosing to be blind to his sin and instead see Jacob clothed in the righteousness of His first born, Jesus Christ.

Jacob's older brother Esau is out to kill him because he's stolen the blessing. Jesus, on the other hand, willingly took the Father's curse in order that the one deserving the curse might be blessed (Col1v15,2Cor5v21,Rom8v29).

There's a lot to be said about Jacob's name change and his blessing from God but in the story Jacob is still in the desert with an angry older brother and his army after him. The suns now risen, the wrestling match is over. Jacob looks up and sees Esau and his 400 men coming. Jacob's had no sleep and sports a dislocated hip but he's a new man. Jacob divides his family and goes hobbling on ahead of them - bowing seven times to the ground. Esau runs to meet him with tears, hugs and all.

When Esau inquires about all the gifts of livestock Jacob has sent ahead and says he's got enough already. Listen to Jacob's response in verse 10-11 of Chapter 33:

And Jacob said, “No, please, if I have found favor in the sight of my lord, then receive my present from my hand, inasmuch as I have seen your face AS THOUGH I HAD SEEN THE FACE OF GOD AND YOU WERE PLEASED WITH ME. Please take my blessing that is brought to you, because God has dealt graciously with me, and because I have enough.” So he urged him and he took it.

At the onset of this journey Jacob was trying to earn favor and appease the older brother whereas now he knows he is accepted by the very brother he's stolen the blessing from and he is giving him a gift from the bountiful blessings of a gracious God. He doesn't need to give it, he already has favor but he wants to give from a heart that is overflowing with grace and gratitude.

Before leaving this story I just have one more question to ask of Jacob: Why does God name him Israel?

Israel is the nation God builds up for himself. Israel is 'His own special people'. The people of God. God calls Israel “My son, my firstborn.” Lets read from Deut7v6-8 and Ex2v22. God names a sinful people Israel and He gives them the title of firstborn. Firstborn doesn't have a whole lot of significance in our culture but in Jacob's culture firstborn was huge! It means you get your fathers title. It means a double portion. This is who Jacob becomes. He leaves behind a deceiving scoundrel and walks off in the glory of God. Jacob stands not on his own name but on the Father's name- his Father's title. His Father's words about him. Jacob had to give up trying to pay for, steal, earn, repay and wrestle for God's favor. He had to fall empty and broken on God's merciful grace. God didn't have to save Jacob. I believe God saved Jacob to show his people who He is and give them a foretaste of His glorious redemption.

Through the story of Jacob we see God's grace and mercy. We see what we (the people of Israel) are in Christ. Through Jacob its clear that it's not by our striving or our righteousness but God's own doing. Jacob couldn't even give up his striving without God touching him. Jacob won by losing. Jacob screwed up miserably but God meets him with blessing and favor, delight and grace.

What does this mean for us? I don't know about you but for me this is good news!! When I was growing up I did all I could to avoid my parents disapproval. I was good and sweet and therefore avoided punishment. I can't fake it with God. I try and try to be good and sweet but I come up empty. I find myself alone in the desert without resources. God goes after this hard-hearted deceitful man and pours his mercy and redemption and blessing upon him over and over and over. This is my story too! I screw it all up and God says “That one's mine.” “She's called by my name.”

He was not ashamed to identify with us. Who are you? What's your name? Are you known by your striving? Something you've done in the past? Are you defined by your success? Or by shame? Or.... are you known as the CHILD OF THE LIVING GOD. Is your identity found in Christ? Or is it in yourself? It's not until the self dies and we take on Christ's life that we truly live.

Carelations, Consciousness & Counseling

What people think and why they do what they do has long interested me. How long so a story for another post perhaps. Right now it's neat having come full circle back to fulfilling that desire as I find myself on the cusp of completing my Masters degree together with actually counseling real people since February this year (and more neat having Eden studying counseling papers too as she is able).

Helping reveal to clients/seekers what are the underlying, often unconscious, motivations/desires of the heart which eventually drive their conscious thought life and then visible actions is terribly tricky at times but always interesting whether we're leaping ahead through fresh insights or wading through the goop of denial.

That some well-intentioned folk rubbish counseling is par for the course of course. They aren't aware of their unconscious so in their expert opinion it simply doesn't exist. Me? I believe any life examined and reflected upon would disagree with such a blunt diagnosis.

Simple case in point follows.

In July 2010 I was looking for a new car. My reliable old Corolla had done a 6yr 100,000+km long dash with this Dickson so I'd let it pass to a friend who'd asked to buy it. Cash in the hand always good eh. Having a more suitable set of wheels for when Eden and I returned married from the USA at the end of September was the real motivation though.

I decided a Japanese station wagon with 4WD would do the trick nicely. Not an SUV as they be too pricey and thirsty despite the attraction of better off-road ability. Not a 2WD wagon as I wanted to be able to cross a wet paddock or scoot a beach given the chance. Definitely a wagon so we could sleep in the back if desired. Also wanted to be able to cart my folding Portabote on the roof and all it's seats and motor in the rear with the backseats down. Eden's up for adventure and 4WD helps that.

I hadn't found anything good in Hamilton and decided to check out a bunch of 4WD wagons selling privately all over Auckland that I'd been watching a while on TradeMe. All nice looking 4WD Toyota Carina's except for one black Honda Orthia. Never seen one before but it ticked the boxes. There was definitely something really attractive about it which I couldn't quite name when viewing the pics even though I'd actually started to swing towards considering an SUV like the Nissan Mistral over a 4WD car.

Well I got myself up to Auckland and checked out the Honda first. The young Russian guy selling it on behalf of his non English-speaking Russian friends absent wife didn't engender me to believing the deal was legit. Liked the car though. Me being me though, I'd planned to carry on and inspect as many of the Carina's as I could over the rest of the day before deciding which car was the best deal overall. I've never been in a hurry in my car buying history (except for here and that turned out great). But this time I soon surprised myself by laying my usual purchasing program aside in favour of the new logic that I liked the car enough to buy it and the price was agreeable so why carry on searching? Just do it! If I could make sure the sale was legit and the money transaction traceable (in case this smooth Russian was actually as mafia as he appeared) then I'd buy. I found ways of achieving that which they agreed to and the purchase was made.

No regrets. Our Honda's been great value by tar or by sand. One memorable trip was our taking Eden's visiting sister Jenny, her daughter Dassah, and Eden's cousin Calicoe up around the Coromandel Peninsula of a weekend in January 2011 at the height of summer. Brilliant weather, beautiful bays and beaches, and bubbling company to boot. But this big boy didn't realise he was in for a revelation as well.

Homeward bound after 2 nights in Whitianga we pulled in to a shady spot next to the Te Kouma wharf on Waipapa Bay for lunch. Twenty minutes and a full tummy later I noticed an early 90's Toyota Carib pull into the carpark and stop right behind our Orthia. So dark a green it looked black in the shade. Station wagon. 4WD. Alloy wheels. The spitting image of the black Toyota Carib that I'd used to get me around and about for much of the first year I'd been in Uganda. The car that took Eden, Chad, Megan and I up to the top of Mt Wanale for the adventure of a loud trip after rocks tore off the muffler, a superb sunset, and a hold-your-breath-moment mix-up with a circumcision party on the way back. Same car Milton and I drove all the way down to Tanzania with Eden along for a 10-day adventure that included chasing Giraffes as part of traversing much of Tarangire National Park; a long-time favourite haunt of mine.

Those warm fuzzy memories replayed as I eyed over the Te Kouma Carib resting just metres away immediately behind our wagon. It was only seeing these two right next to each other that I became suddenly aware how much my black alloy-wheeled 4WD wagon was a heck of a lot like the Carib of  fun days in Africa with Eden fame! The proverbial penny having dropped I stopped to pick it up for a look reflecting on how I'd always felt good whenever I'd browsed through the online pics of the Orthia posted on TradeMe. I'd gone back numerous times for another gander cf. any of the other 4WD wagons that were just as attractive feature and price wise. No, it wasn't a early model Carib but it had looked more like the Carib than any of the Toyota's due to it's colour and it's alloy wheels. The associations we make when we're not making them. Yet particular personality people persist pooh-poohing the possibility that their past experiences, and the good or bad emotions associated with such, have any effect on the decisions they make today. Yeah right.

Ninety-mile Beach, Northland, NZ. Jan 2011.

Mamire, Tarangire National Park, TZ. Jan 2009.

There on the green Te Kouma grass I took note how my sub-conscious played a major role in my choice of car without my (conscious) knowledge. Can't say I was shocked. Can say this insight made me glad I was already set to start Biblical Counseling studies at GTC in a couple months time. That felt right too - and 2yrs later still does. The real realization bonus however is that now it's "conscious" the good vibe associations are no longer a vague undefined feeling but actual thinkable thoughts. Meaning I can now thank God for those blessed Africa by Carib times whenever I see my Honda :)

Light in the Morning

Sometimes I struggle with how much to prioritize time spent in the early morning with God. I know sleep is important for functioning and when tired with young children or waking through the night with a newborn it makes it harder to get up in time for those extra precious quiet moments in the Word before the day comes marching in. 

Whether it's in the early morning, during nap time, or in the evening those meeting times with God are a rich treat and as necessary for functioning as precious sleep. I'd like to share a couple recent insights I found from those precious encounters with God's word.

I love when I find pictures and pointers to Christ all throughout the Old Testament. (Something I starting seeing lots of at Insight) In the early days of October I was reading from the book of Numbers. Numbers 30 lays out the laws about woman making vows and how the husband and fathers can make void the vow while she is in his house. These words sort of chaff against some of my unconscious thoughts from our feminist culture. I think Abba gave these commands partly because in order to have peace and order someone needs to have the final say so if a wife or daughter makes a vow the husband or father is not happy about he can undo it. But maybe also this is a beautiful analogy of what God does as our Husband and Father. The passage talks about a woman making a binding oath to afflict herself. (vs.13) Each of us afflicts ourselves by sinning and thus are bound by law to death but Christ intervened and nullifies our word and our sin so that we don't need to suffer the affliction we've brought upon our own self. Verse 15: "But if he makes them null and void..then he shall bear her iniquity." Thank you Lord for speaking on my behalf, bearing my iniquity and rescuing me from the mess I've made for myself. These laws apply to the woman who is in her fathers house...if she is divorced or widowed her own words bind her. (vs.9) Thus, while I'm with Abba my Father his words protect me but if I leave the authority and protection of my Heavenly Father than my own words condemn me.

Another reflection: 
After a battle against Midian, Eleazar the priest tells the men God's law regarding purification. Numbers 31:23 "..everything that can stand the fire [gold, silver, bronze, iron, tin and lead] you shall pass through the fire, and it shall be clean. Nevertheless, it shall also be purified with the water for impurity. And whatever cannot stand the fire, you shall pass through the water." Abba, I want to be purified completely but I cannot withstand the fire of hell so you've washed me with the water of baptism. Christ alone is pure and perfect enough to withstand the flame and He did and yet still he was baptized to fulfill the whole law. You kept Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego from burning in the fiery furnace and you can preserve each of your own from burning in the flames. Thank you Abba! You are holy and good!

Being a Mum is hard...

Today Tazara got her heal pricked. They squeezed her little foot for about 15 minutes to get enough blood to fill a tube. I held her tight stroking her distressed little red cheek. I told her “you'll be alright baby. Mama's got you. It will be okay. It will be over soon love...”

Zeke scrapes his knee. I give it a kiss and tell him it will get all better. But will it? The falls are from higher heights and the scrapes are deeper.

I wish I could scoop my babies up and keep them from all harm. I wish I could tell them it will be alright. That they're safe and secure and I'll take care of them.

But will it? Will it be all better? Will all their pain go away? Will they be safe and secure and cared for? There's bullying and falling and crashing and anger and violence and sin and messiness... Try as I might to shield my children they will still get their fair share of hurt and heart ache.

Each time I'm upset with a pricked conscious or a scraped heart I run to Abba and find shelter and refuge and a hiding place under the shallow of His wings. He cuddles me and tells me it will be alright and that I'll be all better.... And the wonderful thing is it's actually true! The words I long to hear when my heart is breaking, the words I want to tell my children when their tears are streaming are true when spoken from the Lord Almighty. He will set all things right. He will wipe away every tear. It will be over soon. He will fight for and protect his babies! He will make all things new. He will restore what's broken. He will defeat sin and sickness forever.

I don't know about you but sometimes being a Mama in this crazy big bad scary world freaks me out. His words give hope! They give rest!

When I was little....

When I was little I thought I was the only one who felt inadequate, that I didn't have what it takes, that I wouldn't make it, that life is too hard for a person like me. I've come to realize that most of us feel this. If not frequently then perhaps in times of great struggle and need. I'm so thankful for these scary feelings of inadequacy because they drove me to God's arms again and again. He met me in my need and loved me. I felt treasured and valued and loved and known in a way that is healing.

Because of my neediness I get to see God come through. I share this because I don't want others to miss the opportunities in pain and suffering and alone-ness to experience and know the comfort of God's power and nearness. This evening I was thinking about the times God and I have had together and the things He has done for me. I'm awed and amazed by His great love. I so desire you to know the pleasure and joy of His presence. In the psalms God says 'Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.' If we want to drink deeply of our Father's love we have to open wide.

ps. I'm still little.

Another New Year

Will this year be the same as last? Will I struggle with the same sins? Will I trip over the same pebbles? Will I stumble through the same pot-holes? Will I get upset and frustrated over the same failings of others? Will I cry again over the same wounds and hurts?

God created a growing changing world. The earth spins. Trees reach. Children grow. Flowers open. There's something so life-giving and exciting about watching beautiful healthy change transpire before our eyes.

We were created for eternity but because of the fall, life's growth is cut short in death. In relationships with God, self and others the discouraging breath of hopeless stagnation speaks... “he'll never understand.” “I'll never get over this hurdle.” “I'll always struggle with this.” “It will always be this way.”

God is unchanging but when our eyes are set on Him, we change. The uncurable wound is healed. The unforgivable sin atoned for. Light and hope are found in spite of darkness. Joy in sorrow. Strength in weakness. Peace amidst chaos and confusion.

You can't force a flower open without harm, life must issue from the inside. You can't argue a baby into smiles but when you cuddle and love, gaze at and interact with the child - the smile often follows. We must abide in Christ and allow his presence and love to change every facet of our being - bringing fruit we never thought possible. Through relating to Him, communicating with Him, obeying Him, worshiping Him, loving Him. Not by acquiring more knowledge 'about' Him without His presence.

Tazara at 3 months trying to conceal her irresistible smile

Will this year be the same as last or will I allow Christ's love to change me? At 19 months Zeke still falls over now and then but not as often and many days he runs freely. Tazara still cries now and then but more often the sounds coming from her lips are happy coo's and babblings. By God's grace I too can walk in His ways day by day and take up His words on my lips. Words of life instead of death. Abba's shoes are big, they fall off my feet as I tottle around but by God's grace I'm growing into His ways as he leads me along step by step with my fist clasped tight around His finger.

2013 Dickson Family beach trip! :)

A marriage (or any relationship) cannot stay stagnant. It is either growing or wilting. Thank you God for creating marriage. We get to be involved in the intimate life and growth of another. I've been so priviledged this last year to study a couple counseling papers with Andrew. It's fun learning exciting truths from God's Word together. To be able to look at areas of strength and weakness in our lives. Our sins wound each other but we get to rejoice over and experience growth in the other as we learn from the Master Healer how to heal such wounds and grow to afflict each other less often. We have the opportunity to propel one another forward or knock one another down. It's exciting to be able to pray together with Andrew and watch Abba answer prayer. Whatever 2013 may hold...Abba is here and he holds all the answers. God is so good! So good!

Reflections on a Name

In Africa a mother is known by the name of her first child. In Swahili I would be 'Mama Zeke' or 'Toto Zeke' in Karamojong. When I learned this during my time in Karamoja I thought on how the woman as an individual seems to get lost in her role as a mother. When she takes on a husband and bears children for him, she no longer has her own unique name but is known only as the mother of her children. She is defined and known by this role of being a mother.

As I was reading the opening chapters of Exodus a few days ago I was struck by the wonder of our great God! God is revealing His ways to His servant Moses. God tells Moses that He sees the affliction, hears their cry and knows the suffering of the Israelites. God, in His graciousness, has a plan to rescue and save them from their oppressors. Moses asks God to provide a defining name for Himself to give to the Israelites. God answers “Say to the people of Israel, 'The Lord, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob has sent me to you.' This is My name forever, and thus I am to be remembered throughout all generations..” The all-powerful Creator and Sustainer of the universe defines Himself by His relationship to His people. Time and time again God refers to Himself as the God of Abraham, God of Isaac, God of David, God of Israel,...God of Eden. God chooses to identify with lowly man. He takes on the name of His people and shares His great name with us. Thank you Abba!

"Bloom where you're planted."

God has planted us in the best soil that we may grow as He desires us to grow. He has the beautiful end result in mind and he gently plants and prunes and waters to bring about the result he's fashioned us for. The environment, the climate, the nutrients in the soil. He knows our deficiencies. He alone knows what His creature is capable of and gently coaxes us towards that end. All by Him. All for His glory. He desires His gloriousness to shine through every facet of us in all it's radiance.

I'm starting to catch glimpses of a bigger picture, seeing how my life, my husband, my child, my circumstances, my surroundings, my joys, my longings can all help to shape and sharpen and mold me in the character and person that God has designed for His child to be. He knows what delights me most. He knows the things that are hardest for me. He gives me tastes of his greatest wonders and he lets my heart ache so that I'll be strengthened by grace.

Seeing only with eyes of flesh I may contentedly bask in the sun but grumble at the flavor of the rain.
But God is the master craftsmen. God is the Potter. He designed the perfect life to fit me into that I might flourish in the gifts he's given me. Also the perfect environment to train, shape, purify and purge away sin. He delights in me. Each circumstance I can accept as an opportunity for God to disciple and mold me.

In the last weeks and months I've found myself more and more deeply discouraged by my insecurities, my criticalness, and my short-comings. I resent the circumstances that draw these ugly things out into the light. I would much rather be seen as an angel and never know my sin or have others see and be hurt by it. God has been showing me that these circumstances are gifts from his loving hand to bring Light to each and every place of my heart so that it is made pleasing and beautiful to Him. Seeing there is purpose in each situation brightens my spirit and gives me strength and hope to accept all that God places in Andrew's and my life from His hand. The hand of the Lord in whom we can trust with every fiber of our being.

"For you, Lord, have made me glad

 through Your work; 

I will triumph in the works of Your 

hands."

Ps 92:4

Woman's Plight

Every other day...
The sun shouts hosanna and the flowers dance to the melody of the wind.
Praises slide from my tongue like rain from a roof.
My husband is clad in steel armor covering a heart of gold.
The bible opens with life pouring out of it- i cup my hands and drink it in.
My heart is full with ambition, vision and purpose.
I see my life in full color and beauty, perfectly cropped and framed.
I feel loved and adored and I'm the happiest girl in the world.
But that day is tomorrow.

Today...
I dig for flower bulbs and find worms.
The sun hides from the earth and the trees cower in the rain.
I hang the laundry out and it pours.
I say "I'm sorry" in place of "I love you."
A smile hurts and "thank you" sounds empty.
The bible opens and tears blur the words.
My heart is still full but needs a decluttering.

So Lord, fill up the "thank you's" and heal the smiles. Erase the reasons for the sorry and multiply the "I love you's!" Its alright if the laundry gets showered but let the sun smile afterwards. Give sight to my blind eyes to see and believe. Touch my deaf ears so they might hear and understand. Purify and soften my heart that it may be touched by the things you are touched by. Let me feel the things that you feel and see the fullness that you see. The lessons and the cares of today are different then yesterday and tomorrow but let me thrive and learn from both. Thanks. Lala Salama.
 your Eden

What is love?

Andrew wheel-standing at Raglan Beach

There's a fire and there's a passion. 

But what is love when the embers die down?

Love is talking. 

Love is a smile. 

Love is someone being there. 

Love is doing ordinary things together. 

Love looks with seeing eyes. 

Love is pausing. 

Love is continuing. 

Love is being kind again today. 

Love is laughing or letting go because...

 the person over-rides the annoyance. 

Love is asking. 

Love looks after and takes care of. 

Love grows. 

Love keeps on loving. 

Love doesn't stop believing. 

Love mends. 

Love speaks. 

Love is powerful. 

Love waits. 

Love is quiet and love is loud. 

Love screams and whispers. 

Love is masculine and feminine. 

Love is Andrew and love is Eden. 

Love is God. 

And He has created us in His image. 

Love grows. 

Love keeps on pouring.

Love relights the fire.

He multiplies Himself in us.

June, 2010
Queenstown, South Island

Bridal Veil Falls

God, your heart is so generous. (Reading in Luke...)Too big to shut people out on Sundays. Too big to close your eyes to people when you want some alone time with your Father. (Listening to 'Revive our Hearts')You say "Come and be with me forever." "I'm preparing a place for you." No tiring of me. No down time. No shutting me out but always welcoming me in. Always open arms. Jesus, I would have been a nagging one in the crowd, following, begging, nagging for more attention and more answers. My faith is slow and small but I'd persist and you wouldn't turn me away cause you didn't turn away the children and you didn't turn down the persistent widow, you didn't ignore the blind beggar. Your love never fails.

God, my home address has changed....

 God has felt distant for quite some time, perhaps especially since June when precious Zeke arrived. I've felt an ache in the void. Under my breathe I whisper 'God I miss you.' I've wondered if sin is keeping me from him. I've wondered if I haven't been seeking him diligently. I feel discouraged and very jealous of those close with God. I started apologizing in prayer for every sin and short-coming I could think of. The chorus of petitions became almost constant throughout my quiet day. My heart felt beaten down, tired, lonely, discouraged and still distant.

Like a treasure hunt, I've been finding hints, one by one, of why my soul has found itself in such a state. One hint I found the other night as I was journaling and reflecting on God's and my relationship. I used to be very good at finding God in the quiet. I'd meet with him in the peaceful open field down past the park. I'd feel His presence in the still quiet night. I'd wait for the kiss and the embrace of my soul.

Life has changed in the last year and a half. I've become one with a man. We two became three. I'm rarely alone. My time is not my own. My head and my hands stay happily busy thinking of and tending to the needs and desires of my Man and my baby. I can get away and find quiet now and then but the people that fill my heart follow me there. The change is good and God has brought it about but I need to learn to find God in the noise. He hasn't lost me though I might not be skilled at finding him a midst a new back-drop. I recognized him in the quiet alone but now I need to know what He looks like in the midst of these new sights and sounds. It comforts my soul to know that He is still watching over me. He still delights in me. He is still near. He hasn't gone anywhere. I get distracted, He does not.

I praise God for the ache and the void because it causes me to savor and treasure the sweet fellowship of His wonderful presence. These days I'm reminded He is God as I play with Zeke on the floor and hear his sweet giggles.I feel His presence as I listen to the New Testament while preparing lunch. I feel his delight in me when Andrew comes home in the evening and embraces me. Thank you Lord!

"...I will never leave you, nor forsake you." "Behold I am with you always... "