30 weeks! Let the count down begin...

30 weeks! I'm trying to plan on your being late but how I wish you'd come early. I just can't wait to hold you and take care of you. I know you'll have me getting up at night and make all sorts of outlandish demands of me (and Andrew and Zeke and Tazara). I anticipate moments of insanity when you, Zeke and Tazara all want my undivided at the same moment. I know at times I'll feel overwhelmed at the daunting task of three persons under my constant care. We haven't even taught ABC's to one kid...and now we have three to bring to mature adulthood?!

I hobble around feeling 100 years older. Simple tasks like getting out of bed or stepping into socks are accompanied by moans and groans. And yet when I feel your little wriggles I get so excited. An agonizing experience separates me from holding you.

How can something that is accompanied by so much pain and sacrifice bring so much joy and delight?

Jesus, you too suffered greatly to bring your people to yourself. You too suffered for the joy set before you. You endured the cross because of what was on the other side. The salvation and life of your people. The fellowship and holiness of your bride. My pain is scant in comparison but I've gotten to taste more deeply of the sacrifices and sweetness of love through marriage and motherhood. With no apologies Zeke invited himself into our first year as newly-weds. Tazara's birth was more pain than I thought was possible to come through alive. This pregnancy has been more physically difficult, I apprehensively watch my body change as it performs the task of carrying life and I have to surrender again and again. I haven't even met this baby but already I feel so much love and tenderness towards her.

I've had a couple dips in this pregnancy. Questions and fears about life tried to defeat me. At one point I really wondered if and how I'd survive. In recent weeks I can't thank God enough for the blessings he's showered me with. I so love being a mama. I love being married to Andrew John. I can't have hours of undistracted time studying and meditating and worshiping or resting but I wouldn't trade the two-foot grumpy-faced distraction for the world. I can't up and go for a spontaneous run or a trip to town. And if I do my mind is side-tracked by the precious wee cargo I left behind. My mind, heart and wallet is not spent on style and fashion and worrying about my appearance. I have other bodies to dress and mouths to feed and I adore their beauty, rewarding smiles, and delight in them to the hilt. I'm thankful that life has grown bigger than myself. I'm thankful to be journeying with someone and learning to love and grow together. I'm thankful that I get to watch growth and beauty transpire before me. I spend myself til I don't think I have anything left and then I behold a miracle of growth. My heart has grown. My love for Andrew has grown. Zeke and Tazara are growing and learning and bearing fruit each day.

Thank you Lord for dong all the work and heart change that really makes a difference and that leads to joy and life and delight. Thank you for taking such good and tender care of me and teaching me how to care for your children.

This season between classes (last year) and third baby's arrival has been restful. I know it's just a season but I'm so thankful for it.