Lessons through tears

A page from my journal last week:

I thought I wasn't afraid of redoing the last birth experience. But I'd taken measures to insure things will be different this time. A different midwife. I'll gain less weight to ensure baby is smaller. I'll have an early baby instead of going a week overdue...

On the last leg of the journey my measures are failing. The last couple weeks with strong contractions (braxton hicks) at night and through the long days I'm reminded of the feelings of Tazara's pregnancy and delivery. Nights of awkward sleep, endless off and on contractions, dreams and nightmares, anxieties about tedious complicated labours. Despite heavy dieting I'm now right where I was with the other two pregnancies. Grasping for control I thought castor oil at 38 weeks would be a good option to push me over the edge and into fruitful labour but my midwife has canceled that option.

I might go early. I might go late. I might have a big baby or a small one. I might tear horribly and need transfusions. I might have a smooth and simply delivery. Posterier? Ceasarean? Life? Death? - mine? babies? is completely out of my control. 

And completely in God's hands. 

Is God loving and good? 

Yes! 

Was He loving and good two and a half years ago? 

Though my prayers weren't answered and I was terrified by pain and life's edge? 

Yes.

Do I have lots to be thankful for. 

Yes. 

Do I understand why it was so hard or why He didn't take better care of me? 

No. 

Can I trust Him?

Yes! 

Will it be better this time (or perhaps worse)?

I don't know. 

Peace that surpasses understanding. 

I don't have to know because I know God's heart towards me is love. 

When I pass through fire or through water He'll be right there with me. I wouldn't be consumed or overcome by them because He is over all. My soul rests secure.