A First Sentence Story

This story has been in my drafts for a couple months. With Zeke turning two today I thought it's as good a day as any to post it. I feel so privileged and blessed to be a Mama to this little guy.

Zeke's first sentence "no nurse" deserves a story. I hesitate because a few might be shocked to find I still nurse Zeke at nearly two. It's a topic I've given a lot of thought to in the last couple years.

In New Zealand there's been a recent shift back to breastfeeding as more and more research is uncovering health-benefits for baby as well as Mum. These health benefits make sense to me but there is more to it. God seems to always have great purpose behind the things he does, some that we can see and some that we can't. It's meaningful and significant to me that an infant needs to be fed every 2-3hours, even through the night. This feeding is done by the mother, giving of herself, her time, her energy, her love. You can't be much closer than being held in the arms, embraced and fed both physically and emotionally. While holding and nursing your baby it's only natural to look into their eyes and speak words of adoration and love. Life is nurtured through love. If you don't mind following me on my train of thought....why is there so much brokenness? Many people seem unable to love nowadays - like they don't know how to let someone into their heart, be close to and give of themselves for another. Could it be that one of the reasons is they lacked this fundamental closeness and love as a baby? Learning what it feels like to be deeply loved and held and known. What a loving God to create such a nurturing and loving environment for a helpless baby to be born into. And what does this teach us about ourselves as God's little ones? God as our Father has stamped his image on both the male and the female so we can see both masculine and feminine attributes of his character embodied here on earth.

 And now for the story. When Tazara was born Zeke grew especially attached to the one on one time he gets with Mama through nursing before bed and when he wakes up. When Andrew or I greet him in the morning he stands up in his crib and with a serious expression says "nurse!" If you side track him with changing or other he gets increasingly more urgent sounding. He plays happily and entertains himself throughout the day but when he's especially tired or upset or just wants some attention he'll ask to nurse. I often have to tell him that it's not time to nurse but that I'll read him a book or do something else with him. In the last couple weeks, especially around the five o'clock hour, which can be particularly trying for all of us, he'll often find a book (after giving up on being held or played with), sit himself on his stool, and say to himself "no nurse." Every so often I hear him in the next room reinforcing to himself that it's not time to nurse. It's a little pathetic really and it makes me want to scoop him up in a hug but it's also just so precious and cute! Andrew says he'll have to capture it on video to flaunt at Zeke's 21st.

Have you ever thought about how dependent a human baby is? Many animals are quick to walk but our babes come to us so defenseless and needy. Doesn't God know that mothers are busy and tired? Yes. But perhaps that's why nursing is something only the mother can do. My own Mum was busy with 10 kids, home schooling and gardening and yet she seemed to welcome the break every three hours to sit down, put feet up and dote on the new little person entrusted to her.

It's hard to believe our son is turning two! Zeke's growing into a confident and tender little man. He's getting really good at climbing and jumping. He's learning how to play with Tazara without injuring her. He likes to make her laugh. He loves reading books. He's got lots more exciting and challenging growing, changing and learning ahead. He's got a Papa and Mama that are proud of him and love him to pieces. A sister that adores him. And lots of family and friends to cheer him on.

What God Cooked Up

God blows my mind sometimes with the blessings He works out. He did a God size job last week by bringing my Ohio family to New Zealand. In 2009 Kelly and I went through the Insight (INtensive Study of Integrated Global History and Theology) program together. We became fast friends as we learned and grew together. Kelly's family welcomed me into their home for the second semester - intensifying our sisterhood. Not only were Kelly and I going through a life changing learning experience together but we were also stuck with similar and unusual romances. I was hopelessly in love with a missionary in Uganda, Andrew whose homeland is New Zealand. While Kelly was in love with a missionary in Thailand, Judah, whose homeland is Australia. At the start of Insight we had slim hope in an unlikely dream and by the end I was nearly engaged and Kelly and Judah going strong. :)

You'll probably hate me if you hear how spoiled I've been by this loving family... Over the time I lived with their family we shared many meals and fun times together. I felt very much like part of the family as I went to church and family outings with them. I enjoyed going to the gym with Mrs Julie, we also went shopping and cross country skiing together. Mr Cook took Kelly and me snowmobiling and paid for us to go skydiving!! If that doesn't beat all, the four of us flew to Puerto Rico for Easter!

Emotionally it was perhaps one of the most packed and toughest years of my life. I journeyed through Insight, grappling with who I am and what I believe about God while my family at home seemed to be falling apart and I was trying to make the most life-altering decisions of my life - whether I should marry this man from across the world. Maybe God gave me a home with the Cooks and beautiful times together to lighten the load and get me out of my intense heart and mind struggles. They have truly been a gift from above.

Sunset hike at Waihi beach

So, this last month Kelly and Judah were on furlough next door in Australia, with her parents Wally and Julie visiting them. The three of them decided to hop this way for a reunion. It was so wonderful! Once again I feel ever so spoiled by my great God. I hold these three very dear to my heart. It was so special to be able to show them Zeke and Tazara and some of New Zealand. We took a beautiful coastal road to Waihi beach and enjoyed a night there in a friends batch. God gave us beautiful weather! They arrived on the sunniest warmest day in two weeks and left three days later when the fog started to come back. 

PS. In case its hard to figure out - the title comes from Andrew but the post is mine :)

When I was little....

When I was little I thought I was the only one who felt inadequate, that I didn't have what it takes, that I wouldn't make it, that life is too hard for a person like me. I've come to realize that most of us feel this. If not frequently then perhaps in times of great struggle and need. I'm so thankful for these scary feelings of inadequacy because they drove me to God's arms again and again. He met me in my need and loved me. I felt treasured and valued and loved and known in a way that is healing.

Because of my neediness I get to see God come through. I share this because I don't want others to miss the opportunities in pain and suffering and alone-ness to experience and know the comfort of God's power and nearness. This evening I was thinking about the times God and I have had together and the things He has done for me. I'm awed and amazed by His great love. I so desire you to know the pleasure and joy of His presence. In the psalms God says 'Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.' If we want to drink deeply of our Father's love we have to open wide.

ps. I'm still little.

Capturing Life

He's just under three feet tall and he keeps his domain in good order. In gumboots and hat he's his own boss. He likes to sleep in his sleeper bag with two cars and his blankie. He has an emphatic "yes" and is passionate about "no." He studies his notebook and reads himself books sitting on his wooden stool but the only sentence found in his vocabulary is "no nurse."

She wakes up with a huge smile. She's determined not to be left out and stays close to the action by pushing with her small toes and pulling on her left elbow. She has rolls in the thighs and long eye lashes. She lets toys be taken and doesn't mind being stepped upon now and then but she'll let you hear about it if she needs attention.

He's six feet something tall. He reads a lot. Through the cracked door of his study in the morning I spy him on his knees with bible and journal before him. He speaks gun, car, rugby, motorbike, geography, poetry and theology. His back causes him pain. Many days we can eat lunch together. We talk easily. We laugh watching the kids. We cry sometimes too, especially me (being a woman and all).

Life is precious. I soak up the moments but they pile on top of each other burying one another. The days pass slowly and yet things change so fast. I can't hold on to it but I can accept and embrace and live the days as they pass.

While pushing the pram I was thinking about how much I'm changing and how each of my siblings, parents, nieces and nephews are changing too and yet I'm missing it. I'm missing those precious moments that make up their lives because I've chosen to be here in New Zealand a world away from them. How could I have chosen to miss out on the lives of those my heart grew up wrapped around? It's simple and yet it's complicated. I loved Andrew. I still love him. I love the children God's given us and I'm enjoying the beautiful and messy moments of life and love he's giving us. Love involves risk and sacrifice. You can't love without it. Love is not easy but love is what every heart craves.  

It's the same with our Lord. Many proclaim "Jesus loves you" and yes it's true but he also demands everything. He asks for everything but He has also given everything...His very life. He didn't die for a now and then friendship when we feel like it, he died so that he could give us life in Him. Unless we leave all and follow him we get none of Him.

I see the paint strokes of my Creator sweep across the changing Autumn trees. I learn of him as I see his image crafted into my son. I glimpse his tender heart as I watch Tazara play. He reveals Himself to me in an abundance of ways...and I long for ALL of HIM! 

Happy in God.

SHOUT FOR JOY IN THE LORD,

O YOU RIGHTEOUS!

PRAISE BEFITS THE UPRIGHT.

(ps. 33:1)

God likes to see his righteous ones happy. It's fitting. It looks good on them. God is glorified by the praises of those whose lives reflect their love and devotion. Beauty of soul pours forth in song and life.