26

Twenty-six years this Earth has known

Of a pure flower by our Lord sown

This Beauty He called to mourn and groan

A world forgetting tis not its own.

Into such wisdom you have grown

Because to prayer your spirit's prone.

To wife and mothers station blown

By making Abba's will your own.

Now you tend wee lambs that moan

If they don't get an icecream cone

Sometimes on and on they drone

These Eden's joys we call our own.

;~pikipikipoet

Lessons through tears

A page from my journal last week:

I thought I wasn't afraid of redoing the last birth experience. But I'd taken measures to insure things will be different this time. A different midwife. I'll gain less weight to ensure baby is smaller. I'll have an early baby instead of going a week overdue...

On the last leg of the journey my measures are failing. The last couple weeks with strong contractions (braxton hicks) at night and through the long days I'm reminded of the feelings of Tazara's pregnancy and delivery. Nights of awkward sleep, endless off and on contractions, dreams and nightmares, anxieties about tedious complicated labours. Despite heavy dieting I'm now right where I was with the other two pregnancies. Grasping for control I thought castor oil at 38 weeks would be a good option to push me over the edge and into fruitful labour but my midwife has canceled that option.

I might go early. I might go late. I might have a big baby or a small one. I might tear horribly and need transfusions. I might have a smooth and simply delivery. Posterier? Ceasarean? Life? Death? - mine? babies? is completely out of my control. 

And completely in God's hands. 

Is God loving and good? 

Yes! 

Was He loving and good two and a half years ago? 

Though my prayers weren't answered and I was terrified by pain and life's edge? 

Yes.

Do I have lots to be thankful for. 

Yes. 

Do I understand why it was so hard or why He didn't take better care of me? 

No. 

Can I trust Him?

Yes! 

Will it be better this time (or perhaps worse)?

I don't know. 

Peace that surpasses understanding. 

I don't have to know because I know God's heart towards me is love. 

When I pass through fire or through water He'll be right there with me. I wouldn't be consumed or overcome by them because He is over all. My soul rests secure. 

Five to go.

Less than five weeks until due date. Zeke's fourth birthday is around the corner. The anniversary of Andrew's and my eventful canoe ride down the river five years ago is coming up too! The sun's been shining warm and bright after the first two frosts of the year. Bit by bit the cleaning and organizing I was hoping to get to is getting crossed off the list. Surprizingly my back pain has lessoned (slightly) even with this baby girl making her presence known far and wide.

I obsess about healthy eating. I imagine where and when and how baby might come to us. I dream about life and relationships with a new little person in our home. So many good and right and necessary distractions/blessings but don't let me forget my first Love. The One who formed by body, fashioned my life, joined Andrew and me together, thought up our family, knits the details together and day by day the Lifter of my head. My strength in weary hours. My hope when tears come easy. My refuge when I need a hiding place. My Creator when I don't see the skies.

I find great fulfillment and meaning in beholding and mothering little people. I find love and significance in the romance and companionship of marriage. I delight in the beauty and blessings of friendship. But all of it would be empty and meaningless without You. The things that get me worked up and anxious disapate when I behold your glory and honor. I'm blown away by your delight. I find the place where I belong and the One I belong to. I can't be a mother without being taken care of by you. I can't love or be loved as a wife unless you teach me the way of love. Friendship has no meaning until You define it. Keep my eyes and heart centered on You.

30 weeks! Let the count down begin...

30 weeks! I'm trying to plan on your being late but how I wish you'd come early. I just can't wait to hold you and take care of you. I know you'll have me getting up at night and make all sorts of outlandish demands of me (and Andrew and Zeke and Tazara). I anticipate moments of insanity when you, Zeke and Tazara all want my undivided at the same moment. I know at times I'll feel overwhelmed at the daunting task of three persons under my constant care. We haven't even taught ABC's to one kid...and now we have three to bring to mature adulthood?!

I hobble around feeling 100 years older. Simple tasks like getting out of bed or stepping into socks are accompanied by moans and groans. And yet when I feel your little wriggles I get so excited. An agonizing experience separates me from holding you.

How can something that is accompanied by so much pain and sacrifice bring so much joy and delight?

Jesus, you too suffered greatly to bring your people to yourself. You too suffered for the joy set before you. You endured the cross because of what was on the other side. The salvation and life of your people. The fellowship and holiness of your bride. My pain is scant in comparison but I've gotten to taste more deeply of the sacrifices and sweetness of love through marriage and motherhood. With no apologies Zeke invited himself into our first year as newly-weds. Tazara's birth was more pain than I thought was possible to come through alive. This pregnancy has been more physically difficult, I apprehensively watch my body change as it performs the task of carrying life and I have to surrender again and again. I haven't even met this baby but already I feel so much love and tenderness towards her.

I've had a couple dips in this pregnancy. Questions and fears about life tried to defeat me. At one point I really wondered if and how I'd survive. In recent weeks I can't thank God enough for the blessings he's showered me with. I so love being a mama. I love being married to Andrew John. I can't have hours of undistracted time studying and meditating and worshiping or resting but I wouldn't trade the two-foot grumpy-faced distraction for the world. I can't up and go for a spontaneous run or a trip to town. And if I do my mind is side-tracked by the precious wee cargo I left behind. My mind, heart and wallet is not spent on style and fashion and worrying about my appearance. I have other bodies to dress and mouths to feed and I adore their beauty, rewarding smiles, and delight in them to the hilt. I'm thankful that life has grown bigger than myself. I'm thankful to be journeying with someone and learning to love and grow together. I'm thankful that I get to watch growth and beauty transpire before me. I spend myself til I don't think I have anything left and then I behold a miracle of growth. My heart has grown. My love for Andrew has grown. Zeke and Tazara are growing and learning and bearing fruit each day.

Thank you Lord for dong all the work and heart change that really makes a difference and that leads to joy and life and delight. Thank you for taking such good and tender care of me and teaching me how to care for your children.

This season between classes (last year) and third baby's arrival has been restful. I know it's just a season but I'm so thankful for it.

Flight Prayer Request

Hi friends and family!

We'd really appreciate your prayers that God would direct the timing and circumstances of our next trip to the States. Also that He'd workout out some super airline deals for us. Thanks for joining us in asking our big GOD!

Eden :)