Delightfully Dependent

Feeling ever so convicted last night during class. In our Thursday night Pastoral Counseling course, Peter Reynolds spoke of a fruitful life of a tree as opposed to a thorn bush. Only by living day by day in the repentance and grace of the gospel can we cross the channel from a thorn bush to a luscious tree. I've often lived openly as one aware of my need and great dependence on God to get from one day to another or even from morning til noon.

A year and a half ago when we got married I felt people were watching to see what would happen with this bizarre romance that started in Africa between two unlikely people from very different places. I could feel the love and care of friends in the States wondering if I'd be alright so far from home and family. I felt cared for by many in New Zealand who questioned how I was getting on. Before leaving the States I could hear whispers under peoples breath “She has no idea what she is doing” and I had to admit “no I don't.” But my conviction in God's leading and my love for Andrew were strong. I felt I needed to prove that I can do it and that I am thriving because God orchestrated it and it is good. Somewhere inside I felt to struggle would reflect poorly on God's plan and beautiful purpose.

Last night Peter Reynold's spoke some powerful words: “When we talk down or minimize the heat in our lives we minimize our daily need for the gospel and miss out on the journey through grace that awaits us.” Where I've gone wrong at times in the last year and a half is in telling myself “I can do this.” In reality “I can't do this.” I'm not trying to say that there's anything especially hard about being married, being a mum, or being in New Zealand. It doesn't matter where I am or what my life holds, married or not, US or not, baby or no baby, ...without God's strength and grace and help day by day I can't do life.

Earlier this week, just after finishing some stitches on a couch cushion, I lay down to sleep. I was drifting somewhere between concious thought and dreaming. I saw my life stretching before me as I drove the boundries in a utility truck. It felt as if I was driving a sewing machine around the seam of my life, seeking to hold it all together in a neat and tidy bundle. But, the details kept spreading wider and farther, dividing, twisting and turning with new responsibilities and circumstances out of my control. I could feel my ability to drive unraveling as the task grew before me. Overwhelming panic and fear grew inside me as I struggled to find an escape. Andrew woke me from my sort of anxiety attack. A storm of tears washed my face and in time I slept. I can still taste the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and inability to do what I needed to do that the 'dream' left me with. I'm reminded of my need for God. My wordsmith husband once teasingly configured the letters in 'eden' to spell 'need'. :) Yes I am a needy soul in desperate dependence upon God day by day and hour by hour. This is where I intend to stay!

I would so love to copy and paste the lecture of last night but I hope a snidbit of my own journey through the notes and some of the impact of it will be encouraging to you in whatever circumstances you find challenging, difficult or painful. Whether it's the small day to day battles or a huge life-shattering experience: “Don't waste the pain!” Use it to carry you to the cross.

Much love,

Eden

ps. We've had some trouble posting pictures lately but we'll work on that soon.