A Prayer for America

 Lord God Almighty,

So many of your people throughout the generations have left the shores of America to go to other nations - to be light, to bring your gospel of peace, to care for and give of themselves so that others would be saved. 

Now our own land is in trouble. Look on our people oh God. Rioting, killing, deception, chaos, confusion, violence and hatred. Come Lord Jesus. Shower our land with your gospel of peace. Be our Light in the darkness. Save us your people O God. Don't let the enemy steal kill and destroy. What we give to you, you multiply. What we entrust to you, you look after better than we ever could. 

Help us Lord God Almighty. Be shield and defender. Win out against the foes within and outside us. Come and heal our land. You are mighty to save. Mighty to deliver. Mighty to rescue. With my God we shall do valiantly. Unite a people under God. Unite America. Unite the nations we represent. 

Thank you Jesus. 

Eden

Letter to Casey

I wrote this letter to Casey a few days after she was born. She is now 2 months. It's been new and precious, overwhelming and daunting at times. God is teaching me much through this little bundle.

Dear Casey Joy,

You are a brave soul. A warrior of Joy. Your life (outside the womb) started with a burst and a rush and you fought through. You were born on the perfect day- the 7th of April. Eight days early. I'm so thankful for you. Your brother and sisters and Baba and I prayed for you to come early, and God answered!

Last night I was thinking about how helpless you are, completely dependent and yet you have a powerful voice - you peep and Mama comes to feed you. You cry and people rush to your rescue. Your heavenly Daddy's voice created the world! Even as you grow more and more capable, compared to Yahweh we are all rather helpless. And yet, I hope you come to know more and more the power and dignity He has endowed you with; your voice is powerful, your song is powerful, your praise is powerful.

As Jesus was knitting you together in my womb He has been teaching me about the power of joy and the power of worship. You are a Warrior and your weapon is praise. Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants - Yahweh is exalted and our enemy is scattered! You were born in the center of lockdown. New Zealand and the rest of the world was paused because of the covid19 pandemic and you came forward. When fear and anxiety run rampant, God led us in song. As we awaited your arrival, we sang praises. God always leads us in triumph. He protects us with His peace. You are an emblem of joy, of peace, of beauty in the midst of a war of confusion.

Yahweh has a brave and strong calling over your life and you are absolutely perfect for the task He's given you. You are the perfect one - born on the perfect day. He does all things well. You never have to be any more or any less than who He's created you to be. Just rest in His love, His delight and sing the chorus He's placed within your soul. When you were growing inside me - my midwife and growth scans told me you were growing bigger than normal. I was anxious at first but Abba told me He's giving me a big girl with a big calling. This silenced my fear and thrilled my heart. You are the perfect size for who He's created you to be. You can't fit inside normal when Yahweh's created you to be extraordinary. He's a good Creator. Grow into all He's called you to be my little one. Watch with anticipation and expectancy as He works out His purposes all around you. God's given you eyes of faith. Be vigilant in prayer. There's no cap on what God can do.

I can't imagine loving you more or being more thankful for you. My heart is growing. You are the perfect addition to our family. So much life and beauty and hope packed into such a small little package. God bless you Casey!

Love,
Mama xoxo

*Casey means brave, warrior, vigilant, watchful

Taking her home from the Birth Center!

Spoiler alert: Jesus Straightened my Teeth!

Somewhere around the age of 12, I visited the dentist where they sealed my doom. I needed braces. An appointment was made with the orthodontist. I waited in anguish. And prayed. I'd heard stories of getting braces and the pain involved. I'd also heard of the expense and I felt for my parents. My prayers sounded something like this. "Jesus, I don't understand why I need to have a dentist fix my teeth. You're the Great Physician. You could do it yourself. Please straighten my teeth." I did a fair bit of begging. The kind my kids do to me today and it drives me batty.

The day on the calendar got closer and my Mom took me off to see the dreaded man in the white apron. First the X-rays were taken. Here's where the surprise came. The orthodontist pulled up the X-ray sent through from my dentist a couple months prior and compared the two. My teeth had straightened so considerably in those few months (or weeks, can't remember) that he decided I no longer needed the braces. I walked out of that office one happy girl!

Moral of the story:  Nag. Nag. Nag. (When it comes to prayer)
Jesus is still in the healing business.
Jesus loves to give good gifts to his children.
Jesus is our Great Physician.

"You have not because you have not."

How many of God's gifts go unopened because we don't ask?!

"And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" (Luke 11:9-13)

I believe we're supposed to take Jesus at his word. To believe in his love and his goodness enough to ask for the impossible and the lovely and good and perfect that seems so far out of our reach but so close and easy for Him.

Thank you Jesus for the miracles you so freely gave and continue to give. Thank you for your Holy Spirit whom you died to give us so that we never have to be separated from you, your presence, your love and your power. 

Back In The Game

Thank you Jesus for six weeks with my family in Maryland over Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was a precious and beautiful gift. I cherish every moment!

It was difficult saying goodbye's to all of my family in America; not knowing when we'll see them again and knowing so much of their and our lives go by without each other. In the week of our return back to New Zealand Andrew and I watched The Hobbit together. There were a number of things that stood out and touched me.

The show starts with a simple, selfish little hobbit; Bilbo Baggins. Gandolf however, has decided this little fellow is the perfect one for the job he has in mind. He invites the hobbit on a dangerous adventure. The rest of the crew is made up of warriors and heroes who have accomplished impossible feats. Some of the others doubt Biblo is made of the right stuff, Bilbo has doubts himself at times. Gandolf never wavers in his confidence and love for Bilbo, he knows without a shadow of a doubt Bilbo is the one for the job and he can and will accomplish it. The journey twists and turns and together the tribe overcome impossible odds.

After being separated from the group and almost deserting Bilbo comes back and finds a few of his fellow comrades talking about him. He then enters into the dialogue with simple and beautiful words that pierced me. “I do, I miss my home. I miss my chair, my garden, my fireplace... That's where I belong. ..That's why I'm here. You don't have one. It was taken from you. And I'll help you win it back if I can.”

In a way, this is every Christian's story. If we know the love of God and have found home in his embrace we can never be really content elsewhere. Here on earth, we don't get a permanent home but we get to help people to find home, to belong, to take back what the enemy has stolen from them – an identity, a belonging, a home.

I've had the privilege of enjoying a wonderful family here on earth. I know what it feels like to be perfectly at ease, to be loved, accepted, cherished and celebrated. I know what it feels like to be surrounded by brothers and sisters who love me and whom I adore. I don't need to impress or perform, I can just be. I don't need to say the right thing or figure out what's appropriate or appreciated. It's home, it's family. You can do no wrong.

I do. I miss my home. I miss my family. I miss that taste of heaven I was given at Christmas time. But that's why I'm here. I'm on the adventure Abba's invited me on because so many people have never tasted of real family or genuine love and belonging. I have. I've tasted in my biological family of the love Jesus says believers are to be known by. We can't give what we haven't first received. We first have to receive God's love and grace and experience his inexpressible uncontainable inexhaustible love. Family is a rare, marvellous and sadly scarce concept in 2019.

The Hobbit inspired me to see some of the bigger picture of what God is doing. I've written at the top of my planner: Win back “home” for others! Introduce people to the LOVE of family. You are the one for the job!

To be honest I wasn't impressed with Bilbo at the start of the show. But I can sure relate to him! I love that Gandalf had more confidence and assurance in Bilbo than his actions or words merited. It reminds me of how God sees us. Only He knows what He's made us capable of and if we listen to his words and accept His invitations the possibilities are limitless.

I don't know why God asked a funny little person like me to up and leave all I hold dear to be married to an incredible husband from New Zealand and live so far away from so many that my heart loves for who knows how long. Sometimes it makes more sense to me to live over there and sow into the many and valuable relationships there that are already in existence. Of course, now that I've lived here for more than eight years my heart would ache no matter where we set up tent. But I do know that if I channel the missing and the love into praying for those who've never tasted it; to those lonely, suffering and alone. Then certainly they're put to much better use than feeling sorry for myself. And knowing a touch of the God I serve He can take these meagre prayers and He can do more than I could ask, think or imagine to accomplish His good and perfect purposes.

Bilbo was in the company of ruffians and warriors. They knew how to fight and how to fend for themselves but they'd lost touch with home, family and how to live in times of peace. They'd been wandering for so long they forgot how to be cared for. Bilbo had this one simple thing to offer. He wasn't a fighter. He wasn't bloodthirsty. But he knew how to belong. How to depend on others. He knew how to stand by those he grew to love. This bonded all of them to him.

Lord Jesus, you made us for home. You made us to belong. To be a part of a big beautiful marvellous family. You created us to give and receive your love and to taste of that love in our relationships with one another. It's an incredible plan Jesus. Recreate your love here in us your people. Invite more people in. Surround those alone and in the dark with the warmth and light of your presence and your people. May we taste and see your goodness.

Has Christmas found you?

Wise men bring gifts. Angels descend from heaven to sing on earth. Shepherds leave flocks to rush into Bethlehem. Anna prophesies in the temple. Simeon can now die in peace.

A Saviour is born.

In Christ we enter the holy of holies.
In Christ every spiritual blessing.
In Christ all things made new.
In Christ every tear wiped away.
In Christ washed clean.
In Christ chains fall off.
In Christ redeemed, restored, made whole, made complete.
In Christ peace on earth.

Do you believe it? Do you know this Saviour? Do you know these blessings? Do you live in this joy?

On the last day of the feast in Jerusalem Christ Jesus stood up and cried out "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.' "

Do you believe Jesus? Do rivers of living water flow out of your heart?

If not, let us enter the throne room in prayer and not leave until rivers of living water flow. We need these waters and Jesus came and lived and died and is alive again so that we can have them.

God, show us our need. Let us feel our thirst that we would come to you and believe and be filled to overflowing with all you came to give us.

Don't let December 25th pass without the world knowing Her Saviour. And joining in the song of the Angels.

Be praised here this Christmas. Be celebrated here. Be glorified here. You are welcome here. Immanuel - God with us! Let your life flow here. Let your blessings flow here.

Melt Down - Mine and Abrielle's

Abrielle's been a trooper! Spanning continents on the very day of her first toddling steps. Maryland to New Zealand. Summer to winter. Day to night. She's braved the whole adventure really well and only picked up a small winter bug.

After about eight days back in New Zealand. Andrew was out at a Christian Counselors of NZ gathering. Zeke and Taz were in bed at Nana and Grand-dads. And Abrielle and I were in the unit together. She was happily crawling around and playing until about 8pm. As she started getting a little fussy I began preparing her for bed like any other evening. Only this night her fussiness turned to crying and then out of control screaming. I tried calming her down. I tried letting her cry it out in bed thinking her just over tired. I decided I didn't want her to be alone in her distress so I held her and spoke consoling words to her, she thrashed around and pushed away in confusion. I told her she was safe and mama's here and I'm not going anywhere. I don't think she has any idea what's going on in her little body, heart and head but if she could verbalize I wonder if she'd say " where's my bed in the pink alcove and where's Grandma and uncle Joe, Pop-pop and my loving Aunties? Where's my high chair in the corner of the kitchen and the bustling house of people that cherish me. Over night she'd lost them all and has no idea why or how or where they've gone. The surroundings, the weather, even the time of day is all completely new to her. Her hard out crying got me going for a while. Thinking about all her little body and heart is coping with and all the people we won't see in a long while. A place so familiar and so far away. Have we come home or left home?

Andrew got back and she wanted him. A familiar and loving presence. She settled down for a while and then she wanted me. I took her into the bedroom and laid down exhausted. She crawled up and laid her soft little face on my cheek and forehead, completely relaxed. I could hear her precious wee heart saying " I still don't know where the heck my home is. But your face looks pretty darn familiar and I feel pretty safe with you so I guess I'll rest right here for a while."

My heart echo's the same cry. God, could I get that close to you. Sometimes sitting in your lap just isn't close enough. Could I span the distance and rest my head on your cheek. The world is big and people far. I look at your face and I've found home. In your eyes I know where I belong.

A Birth Story - Introducing Abrielle Melinda

I was more afraid going into child birth this time. I knew God wanted me to surrender myself to His care and trust him with the outcome. I didn't know if I had to surrender because it would be especially difficult or just because he's God and I'm not. I couldn't decide whether we should plan for the birth center or the hospital. I tried to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for a sweet and straight forward delivery but my mind and body played games with me. I hit 38 weeks and started remembering Tazara's birth and taking it a step further. It didn't help that baby was posterior and head not engaging. I reasoned that baby is probably even bigger than last time and doesn't fit so can't turn around and get out. The book Andrew and I were reading happened to mention a story of a mother and baby dying from a posterior birth gone wrong and I heard a number of stories and statistics that were not in my favor. I'm usually one to assume the best but this time the worst was winning out in most of my dreams and plannings.

After my blog post ('Lessons Through Tears' written in June) I felt surrounded by the love and prayers of friends and family. My due date came and went, some of my fears becoming realities but I felt bathed in the the prayers of God's people. On Sunday 5th July I was blessed by the thoughtfulness and prayers of people at church, despite feeling sore and huge and overdue I was glad I had gone. Afterwards we stopped at Hamilton Lake and Andrew walked around with Zeke and Tazara. I sat in the car with my bible and journal and told God about all the horror stories and negative statistics I'd heard lately and asked him to lift me up out of all my fears. I talked to him about how hard the waiting was and asked him about his desires for me. It was a pleasant and comforting conversation and I really enjoyed some favorite psalms.

On Monday morning I went to get the groceries as usual hoping once again that they would be the last I'd get for a while. On the way home Tazara and I climbed Taupiri mountain together. I tried running up and down the stairs a few times (making up for the time it takes a two year old to climb) as I'd been doing for the last month or so hoping it might get baby down, turned or further along the journey.

After dinner I noticed my contractions were coming consistently 10 minutes apart. Through stories, devotions and kids bed time I prayed they'd keep coming and be effective. Some were quite strong. Andrew put two movies behind his back and had me choose one. As Andrew and I laid together watching Downton Abby I groaned now and then and had to change positions through the sharper contractions.

After the movie Andrew had some stuff to do online. I got on all fours and tried to help the contractions along. They still were only coming every ten minutes and only mildly painful. I was hesitant to say anything to Andrew because of the emotional roller-coaster of false labor I'd been riding for weeks. He asked if I was alright a couple times so I eventually told him. We got together my last minute list and I encouraged Andrew to try and get some sleep. I laid down getting up every ten minutes. It seemed a long time between contractions and a couple times I thought they might be slowing or stopping all together. They were lasting 2-2 1/2 minutes and were sharply painful both in my stomach and back. I tried all the positions I know to get things moving along and then flopped on the bed exhausted - half hoping labor would hold off a while. I might have fallen asleep for a couple minutes when the waters broke and gushed (12am).

Andrew jumped into action, he seemed excited that the long awaited event was finally here - things were happening. His energy was reassuring and reminded that I was excited too.  I wasn't planning to call my midwife or go to the birth center until contractions were 2-3 minutes apart. I'd heard a lot about long labors with posterior babies so I climbed into the bath. The contractions were immediately considerably more painful and coming one after another.

Tazara got up and meandered her way to the toilet then took her sweet time sitting there. Not wanting to traumatize her I tried to hurry her along. Un-phased by my strange behaviour and noises she cheerfully told me "It's coming mama. It's coming." How true! She did her thing and then tottled off back to bed and dreamland. After Andrew tucked her in I told him we better get a move on. Andrew poured hot water down my back in between his comings and goings (loading the car and telling Dad Dickson we were leaving.)

When we started for town I began praying baby would wait until we got there. I'm not very good on the phone ordinarily and I'm especially uncomfortable with the idea of talking to anyone when I'm in labor but Andrew was driving and I realized no one was expecting us so I called the birth center. I asked them to get a bath ready for us. The gal who answered said I couldn't get in the door without my midwife. At my pleading she agreed to call Therese for me (I'd texted her from home with no reply).

We got there. They let us in. The bath wasn't ready. Therese wasn't there so the staff midwife asked me preliminary questions. I was holding myself together, holding out for the bath and aching for the relief of the warm water. Therese arrived and let me get in the tub even though not quite ready. I was so relieved. She asked if I felt ready to push. I could've started pushing in the car. With Zeke and Tazara's labors I couldn't help but push but this time I was really reluctant to let go and give way to pushing. Even in the water I felt anxious and scared to push. I held back for a couple more contractions but it was getting difficult not to push. Therese told me to transfer the fear into energy to push. Andrew knelt behind me and held me under the arms. It was hard work. I could feel Andrew's love and support. I prayed and prayed for God's strength and nearness. I gave all I got for a couple contractions and expected her to be out. Andrew told me to relax and rest until the next contraction (just what I needed to hear). And then the moment I'd been anticipating for sooo long - I held my baby girl in my arms, felt her warm soft skin against my face, heard her tiny cry.

She was absolutely beautiful. I looked up at Andrew - we did it! Thank you Abba! Even though her head was bigger than either of the others I didn't need stitches. Hallelujia! We voxed family in the States. Abrielle Melinda born 1:30am 9lb11oz. They were all awake and rejoiced and exclaimed with us live! Andrew returned home to the kids. Milked the cows after a couple hours sleep and then brought the kids in at about noon (along with a bunch of roses). Zeke and Taz were enamored with Abrielle and have been ever since!

Leaving River Ridge Birth Center with Roses from Andrew and my precious parcel.

Meeting Aunty Lorraine

Stories with Zeke (best big bro!)

Sleepless nights!

Part of the fam...watching Zeke and Zara play

Love our new little angel! xx

Taz down on the Farm II

Down on the Farm with Taz.

I've been working on Dad's farm the last couple days filling in for his contract milker who is taking a 3-day holiday. The kids have been getting out with me a bit. If I'd have known Taz was gonna grab her morning snack with the calves instead of at home I'd have brought along a better camera than my cheap Huawei cellphone. But anyway, enjoy the show(s)!

26

Twenty-six years this Earth has known

Of a pure flower by our Lord sown

This Beauty He called to mourn and groan

A world forgetting tis not its own.

Into such wisdom you have grown

Because to prayer your spirit's prone.

To wife and mothers station blown

By making Abba's will your own.

Now you tend wee lambs that moan

If they don't get an icecream cone

Sometimes on and on they drone

These Eden's joys we call our own.

;~pikipikipoet

Lessons through tears

A page from my journal last week:

I thought I wasn't afraid of redoing the last birth experience. But I'd taken measures to insure things will be different this time. A different midwife. I'll gain less weight to ensure baby is smaller. I'll have an early baby instead of going a week overdue...

On the last leg of the journey my measures are failing. The last couple weeks with strong contractions (braxton hicks) at night and through the long days I'm reminded of the feelings of Tazara's pregnancy and delivery. Nights of awkward sleep, endless off and on contractions, dreams and nightmares, anxieties about tedious complicated labours. Despite heavy dieting I'm now right where I was with the other two pregnancies. Grasping for control I thought castor oil at 38 weeks would be a good option to push me over the edge and into fruitful labour but my midwife has canceled that option.

I might go early. I might go late. I might have a big baby or a small one. I might tear horribly and need transfusions. I might have a smooth and simply delivery. Posterier? Ceasarean? Life? Death? - mine? babies? is completely out of my control. 

And completely in God's hands. 

Is God loving and good? 

Yes! 

Was He loving and good two and a half years ago? 

Though my prayers weren't answered and I was terrified by pain and life's edge? 

Yes.

Do I have lots to be thankful for. 

Yes. 

Do I understand why it was so hard or why He didn't take better care of me? 

No. 

Can I trust Him?

Yes! 

Will it be better this time (or perhaps worse)?

I don't know. 

Peace that surpasses understanding. 

I don't have to know because I know God's heart towards me is love. 

When I pass through fire or through water He'll be right there with me. I wouldn't be consumed or overcome by them because He is over all. My soul rests secure. 

Five to go.

Less than five weeks until due date. Zeke's fourth birthday is around the corner. The anniversary of Andrew's and my eventful canoe ride down the river five years ago is coming up too! The sun's been shining warm and bright after the first two frosts of the year. Bit by bit the cleaning and organizing I was hoping to get to is getting crossed off the list. Surprizingly my back pain has lessoned (slightly) even with this baby girl making her presence known far and wide.

I obsess about healthy eating. I imagine where and when and how baby might come to us. I dream about life and relationships with a new little person in our home. So many good and right and necessary distractions/blessings but don't let me forget my first Love. The One who formed by body, fashioned my life, joined Andrew and me together, thought up our family, knits the details together and day by day the Lifter of my head. My strength in weary hours. My hope when tears come easy. My refuge when I need a hiding place. My Creator when I don't see the skies.

I find great fulfillment and meaning in beholding and mothering little people. I find love and significance in the romance and companionship of marriage. I delight in the beauty and blessings of friendship. But all of it would be empty and meaningless without You. The things that get me worked up and anxious disapate when I behold your glory and honor. I'm blown away by your delight. I find the place where I belong and the One I belong to. I can't be a mother without being taken care of by you. I can't love or be loved as a wife unless you teach me the way of love. Friendship has no meaning until You define it. Keep my eyes and heart centered on You.

30 weeks! Let the count down begin...

30 weeks! I'm trying to plan on your being late but how I wish you'd come early. I just can't wait to hold you and take care of you. I know you'll have me getting up at night and make all sorts of outlandish demands of me (and Andrew and Zeke and Tazara). I anticipate moments of insanity when you, Zeke and Tazara all want my undivided at the same moment. I know at times I'll feel overwhelmed at the daunting task of three persons under my constant care. We haven't even taught ABC's to one kid...and now we have three to bring to mature adulthood?!

I hobble around feeling 100 years older. Simple tasks like getting out of bed or stepping into socks are accompanied by moans and groans. And yet when I feel your little wriggles I get so excited. An agonizing experience separates me from holding you.

How can something that is accompanied by so much pain and sacrifice bring so much joy and delight?

Jesus, you too suffered greatly to bring your people to yourself. You too suffered for the joy set before you. You endured the cross because of what was on the other side. The salvation and life of your people. The fellowship and holiness of your bride. My pain is scant in comparison but I've gotten to taste more deeply of the sacrifices and sweetness of love through marriage and motherhood. With no apologies Zeke invited himself into our first year as newly-weds. Tazara's birth was more pain than I thought was possible to come through alive. This pregnancy has been more physically difficult, I apprehensively watch my body change as it performs the task of carrying life and I have to surrender again and again. I haven't even met this baby but already I feel so much love and tenderness towards her.

I've had a couple dips in this pregnancy. Questions and fears about life tried to defeat me. At one point I really wondered if and how I'd survive. In recent weeks I can't thank God enough for the blessings he's showered me with. I so love being a mama. I love being married to Andrew John. I can't have hours of undistracted time studying and meditating and worshiping or resting but I wouldn't trade the two-foot grumpy-faced distraction for the world. I can't up and go for a spontaneous run or a trip to town. And if I do my mind is side-tracked by the precious wee cargo I left behind. My mind, heart and wallet is not spent on style and fashion and worrying about my appearance. I have other bodies to dress and mouths to feed and I adore their beauty, rewarding smiles, and delight in them to the hilt. I'm thankful that life has grown bigger than myself. I'm thankful to be journeying with someone and learning to love and grow together. I'm thankful that I get to watch growth and beauty transpire before me. I spend myself til I don't think I have anything left and then I behold a miracle of growth. My heart has grown. My love for Andrew has grown. Zeke and Tazara are growing and learning and bearing fruit each day.

Thank you Lord for dong all the work and heart change that really makes a difference and that leads to joy and life and delight. Thank you for taking such good and tender care of me and teaching me how to care for your children.

This season between classes (last year) and third baby's arrival has been restful. I know it's just a season but I'm so thankful for it.

Flight Prayer Request

Hi friends and family!

We'd really appreciate your prayers that God would direct the timing and circumstances of our next trip to the States. Also that He'd workout out some super airline deals for us. Thanks for joining us in asking our big GOD!

Eden :)

Copy Cat

"Be imitators of God, as beloved children." Eph 5:1

I love to hear their spontaneous prayers or praises. I cringe when I see a bad eating habit (as in, putting the bowl to mouth to get the last gulp of milk :(. I love to hear them speak tenderly to one another and to hear my own words of consolation coming out of their mouth. It's precious and scary to see how much they observe and imitate of Andrew's and my behaviour. The good, the bad and the ugly with no filter.

As I watch Zeke and Tazara mimicking words and actions and attitudes. Learning each day from what they see and hear and digest of life. Ephesians 5:1 shines in a whole new light! "Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children." It's got me thinking...Do I spend time with and observe and imitate God, my Heavenly Father with the same energy and devotion that Zeke and Tazara do Andrew and me? Do I ask question after question and insist on an answer? Do I speak until He answers and insist on doing every little thing with Him? Do I admire and look up to Him and beg for His every inch of attention? Do I study His every move and ask to be apart of His work? Do I insist on sitting smack dab in the center of His lap with no second place seating arrangement? When I'm not heard do I repeat myself a thousand times and shout louder and louder above everything else? "What are you doing Abba?" "Can I go with you?" "Where are we going?" "Can I help?" "Is this how you do it?" "Am I jumping higher than yesterday?" "Am I four yet?" "Am I as big as Baba?"

I want to grow to maturity in righteousness and holiness in you! Help me be child-like in my seeking and following after you! And help me remember these little ones when I think of how You see me. My heart is full of love and tenderness for them and yet I'm also so aware of how small they are and how much they have to grow and learn. They think they're so grown up and capable, I smile and praise their progress and have to correct them over and over. Thanks for this simple verse, help me put it into practice.

What's my baby step for today Abba?

Greater love.

Carrying a basket in from the line I pass Zeke and Tazara playing in the sun-filled lounge. Sorting and folding and putting away little dresses, pants, togs and towels. Tears spontaneously wet my eyes as Steve Green's simple portrait of the gospel touches the mundane recesses of my heart. Overcome by the beauty and depth of God's love. The melody sings on to the words of John 5:13: "Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends."

My worship filled laundry folding is interrupted by shouts and grunts as Zeke and Tazara argue and maliciously hurt one another. I look at them in bewilderment thinking "Really guys?! Are you for real? Do you even hear this song!?! Do you even get it?" My thoughts quickly turn to "Wow, how like me. You died to set me free and yet I still walk enslaved so often. I wound myself with the very lies and behavior and words that you paid royally with your own blood to defeat. Your love reaches to the heavens and I forget to ask for some to extend an inch worth.." I wonder if God sometimes watches the pain and confusion and struggle of his children and thinks: "really Honeychild? I've got all these overwhelming gifts and blessings for you to take hold of and your struggling there in your mess of lies and worry, anger and unbelief..." Thanks for your patience and tenderness Abba. Teach me how to take hold of the riches that are mine in Christ! I can't offer to my children or husband or friends etc what I don't first take hold of and know for myself.

My need. His supply.

I've been feeling snowed under lately. It's difficult to draw near to God when you don't know your own heart. I've been looking for some times of solitude to be still, open my heart before God and allow him to search and know me. Sunday evening was one of those times. I was flipping back and forth from Psalm 91 and Psalm 139. Both deeply meaningful psalms that have to do with warfare, oppression and God's intimate knowing of us. I've felt under attack and there have been places I've been afraid to let my mind go. 

As I meditated on these passages I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down verse eleven of psalm 139 at the top:' “If I say “Surely the darkness will cover me and the light about me be night.” Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.' Below this I wrote a column for fears/hurts/blocks to intimacy. I then listed the places that are scary for me to go. The fears and hurts that I don't know what to do with and I don't like to approach or look at or talk about or poke at. With these before me I again read Psalm 91 and 139 allowing God's truth, light and comfort to speak into my fears. 

I was reminded that this is familiar and comfortable ground for God. What is dark and scary and threatening to me is not so with God. The darkness is as light to Him. He lovingly fashioned my days and tenderly put together my life. It is in the environment of these fears, hurts, circumstances, that God desires me to flourish. He's made a way for me to flourish but I can't find it without His help. In John 6 Jesus describes himself as the living bread that we feed on to find life. This is the kind of self-counseling I need God to apply to my heart by His Spirit and through His word over and over, day by day. This is one nibble of truth applied to my story. I hope that God ministers to you also with His life and light in your times of need. (And when He does, I'd LOVE to hear about it! )

Word Portraits

Yesterday I was reading and journaling during nap time. At 2:30 Tazara grumpily staggered out, climbed onto my lap and then resumed her rest. Watching her sleeping my thoughts and journaling turned from Dallas Willard to Tazara Dawn:

"...Thank you for Tazara, for her joy, her unashamed confidence and sociability. She steals hearts by reflecting her kind intentions unto others and assuming their favor. She marches unawares into situations. Randomly following whatever notion her fancy takes without fear of danger or consequence.
She's affectionate and forgiving, pouring her love freely on those closely knit within her world. Her two and half year old heart and mind has her wanting to do it herself and stubbornly insisting on her own way. She's happy to try something new and she lets her voice be heard if she's not happy. She's got her share of emotion and can use her pout to manipulate if we're not careful. Abba, help us train this child and love her and keep her body, mind and soul safe. Help us feed her truth day by day in bite-size pieces and weed out lies that hurt and confuse her. May she dwell in the dawning light of your glorious presence  and love her place there in your delight. Give her courage and strength and grace to seek you first and find you in every decision, transition, and circumstance. Make her as keen for Your table as she is to empty her plate. Give her spiritual eyes as bright and beautiful as the sparkling blue ones she sees the world through. May she see and know You in her life. Give her ears to hear and a heart to know and love You. Give her a tender, soft and contrite heart. Resilient in life's struggles and protected by Your capably loving care.

Zeke, decisive and determined.  You're eager to please the ones you respect. Cunning and wise - calculating your moves, discerning what can be gotten away with and only pulling stunts when a back is turned. Your tender heart/ego is guarded relentlessly by your anger. Tazara hasn't succeeded in chasing away all of your perfectionism - you don't like trying what you can't master. You're cautious in all the right situations (new sports, new people, new food..) but reckless on occasion too. You love praise but you don't lose your cool/composure.  Animals captivate you. You enthusiastically share your world as you're thrilled by sights, sounds, discoveries and accomplishments. You know what you want and won't take second best. You're passionate about the foods you like when you like them and will patiently bypass a meal that doesn't please you. You listen well and are attentive. You can hide emotions until you don't. Abba, I love this boy to pieces. Grow and nurture his masculine heart after your own. Don't let it go unseen. His questions often astound me. Make him strong in all the right ways - full of love, wisdom and courage. Wise to what is good, innocent to what is evil. Protect and guard him. May he depend on you all the days of his life and never be let down. Teach him honesty and help him use his anger for good - to defend your name, not his own.

Tapestry

10:30pm I'm lying on the bed listening to Andrew (across the room) Skyping with a pastor from Arusha, Tanzania. With time zone differences and different schedules it's taken weeks and months for them to connect face to face over internet. It sounds like a good conversation... I can hear excitement and passion for similar visions from both sides of the screen. Is this the position we've been waiting for Abba? It's smack dab in the heartland of Andrew's boyhood dreams and later working reality. My twelve year old sponsorship. And Andrew's and my first trip together to visit Elizabeth seven years later. I can't help being excited when I see God at work. We've been praying and waiting and watching and studying, wondering where it would all lead. Many times we've been in the dark or doubted about specifics though buoyed by numerous confirmations all along the way.

At the Wycliffe Christmas dinner I heard story after story of people who got to the field years or decades after they had joined the organization or planned on going. I've wondered at God's timeline and if counseling missionaries overseas would be put on the shelf while we raise young kids and have work to do here. A part of me would be relieved and happy to settle and invest here where we are. I've grown to love New Zealand and so many people here. We've just bought a beautiful home in Hamilton. Ultimately though, my heart yearns for God's best. I don't want to chase adventure, nor do I want to grow “at ease in Zion” forgetting that the picture is bigger than my life today or raising children or counseling. God is at work reconciling individuals, families, communities, churches, nations, countries and the world to Himself. God's flooded my life with blessings but they are all from Him and for Him and leading to Him. He's been tender with me in step by step getting me ready for every new journey and transition. I see him getting Zeke and Tazara ready too. The same God who holds my hand and prepares the way before me will take my children by the hand and equip them for the journey. I feel first kicks and I pray for the babe growing inside me wondering what his or her life will hold. I'm glad God's brought us to this one bedroom unit in the backyard of “Nana and Granddad”. He knows best how to situate us in a place to rest, grow as a family and seek His heart for the way ahead. So glad you see the whole picture Abba! Thy will be done today and tomorrow and next week, month, year...

Walking Country

I used to walk the country Gordonton roads in silence. I'd unload my thoughts and enjoy the healing solitude. I'd pray or cry or praise or sing and be washed in the fellowship and peace of a constant Savior. Before long a front pack joined our walks and then a stroller which soon turned into a double. Before we left for Auckland I'd pack my babes in the stroller, they'd often fall asleep, now and then a cry would escape but mostly pure enjoyment.

It's good to be back in Gordonton and enjoy long walks with the sights sounds and smells. Zeke and Tazara have filled and changed my world in so many ways. My silence is interrupted by "Mama LOOK it's a butterfly!! I've seen SIX little little butterflys!" from under Zeke's hat. "Can we see the dead bird again?!" A minute later my speed walk is halted by "Can we climb the rock mountains Mama??" There little thoughts and questions demand response and interaction. I won't usually take much notice of the cows munching grass by the fence. Zeke and Tazara take note of their every move and have to see if they can get close enough to 'pet' the creatures (or else try and scare them with a mighty roar). Tazara's vocabulary is expanding hourly as she lets the world know everything that is going on inside her head and without. Most of her scenery is blocked by Zeke's stroller seat but she'll happily sing a tune from her limited perch.

I love the enthusiasm and fresh joy that bubbles out of this two and three year old. I don't get God to myself anymore but God's placed two little people in my life that I can't ignore. They shout so many insights and lessons at me if only I will take time to look and listen and remember that the message and the messenger are from my loving Savior.

Tazara after "picking" blueberries. Yum!:)